To tell or not to tell

[kjb96a]

My sister's a child psychologist and told us a couple of years ago that if we adopted we would need to talk about it like it was the most natural thing as Canaan grows up.

He's almost 14 mo old and we talk to him about it even now. How his birth mommy loved him and gave us the best gift ever...him! Things like that.

If you were adopted or if you have older adopted children, how did you tell them and when? Was it a normal "everyday" thing (did you always know in a good way) or did they sit down with you when you were older to tell you?

Wondering what's the right thing to do.

[Miss Sunflower]

I was adopted, but my story is very different. My grandparents adopted me. However, I feel that treating it like it is normal, bringing it up every so often, is the right thing to do. That way, it's not a big shocker. Eventually, when he reaches the age to be able to ask questions, you guys can sit down and talk about the details. At least he won't feel lied to, and I think that that is the worst thing adoptive parents can do. I've known people who completely lost all faith and trust in their parents when they found out that they had been lied to.

If you make sure he knows how grateful you are to his birthmother for giving you him, then he will never feel lied to, and he won't feel like he is an outcast because it has always just been the way it is in your home. Does that make sense?

[kjb96a]

Total sense! Thank you!

[dmf53]

I adopted my son when he was three weeks old, and he is now 26 years old. Like you, we spoke about it like it was a natural thing, from a very early age.

There was a period of time when he was 7 or 8, when the Baby M (and Baby X or Y or Z) was in the news a lot. Andy asked a lot more questions then, and since I had divorced a few years earlier, he seemed to be a little insecure. The judge who we went before happened to have a child close to the same age, and we met frequently at the kids' soccer games. I mentioned it to her, and she suggested I bring Andy to her office and let him ask whatever he wanted. His main concern seemed to be if the same thing could happen to him (birth mom come back into the picture and get custody). Judge Kilgore was WONDERFUL with him, explaining that the reason that case was in the news was because it was unusual, and because all signatures were not obtained. She got the book down that recorded his adoption, and showed him the entry. He seemed pretty cool with it after that.

When he was about 11 or 12, there was another flurry of adoption cases on tv, and his comment was, "Mom, I wish people would understand that not EVERY adoption is a Monday Night Movie."

The caseworker who handled our adoption told us that the reason most biological mothers start looking for their children seems to be needing reassurance that their baby "is okay." I thought if I were the one giving up my child, I would want to know what I had missed. For years (starting on Andy's first birthday) he and I journaled about what had happened to him that year. I tried to make an entry at Christmas and on his birthday every year. The logic was that if his birthmother ever contacted him, he would have a book that was "hers". It also made sure that at least twice a year, we spoke about his adoption in a very positive way. I ALWAYS told him that his brother and his sister grew in my tummy, but he grew in my heart.

Did we do it right? Who knows....but I was so proud when he told me that he wants to adopt when he is ready to start his family.

I hope your adoption brings you as much joy as mine did, and continues to do!

Dru

[kjb96a]

Thank you for sharing your amazing, heart felt story, Dru!

[alyk]

I don't remember ever not knowing. I have several friends who were adopted through the same agency and we adopted my brother when he was 4. My mom had a book for me called "The Chosen Baby." My adoption certificate was hanging on my wall growing up. Honestly, I think it is better to make it a natural part of his life.

[liamsmommy]

Being a half-sister to my brother that was born 6 years before me and adopted out to another family, I wish that he'd have known about his birthmom, my mom. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I had a huge chunk of my life missing for not knowing him. I plan to adopt, when we can feesably afford it, but I would still like to find my brother someday to know what I missed out on in his life. Its a strange feeling missing someone you never met but I feel this even stronger for Logan, my son who we miscarried almost to the day a year ago. I got to meet Liam but in his short twelve days, I never got to really know him. I just wish it wasn't so complicated. Emotionally and mentally...

[allie]

This is some really good advice! I've been wondering how to talk to my son (he is 15 months) about his adoption.

[marianne]

i can only talk from my cousin, who was adopted out in the early seventies because my aunt wasn't married. Anyhow, when they found each other, she has sort of just gained a million extra relatives while still being really close with her adoptive parents and brother. she told me, every birthday her mum told her that some one out there was thinking about her and missing her, which was right, even though we had no idea what my aunt was going through. She didn't remember ever not knowing either.
The thing is, this way though she felt total a home with her family, she was also able to fit in with the birth mothers family too, which is very cool bacause you can never have too many people who care about you!

[shelliton]

I have a bunch of friends who were adopted and the ones who didn't hold any anger and resentment towards their parents were the ones who had been told, from an early age, that this is what happened, this is a part of your life, and reminded that there was nothing but love for them. That way, they didn't feel alienated and lied to.

I'm a birthmom, and one of the qualities I was looking for in a couple when I was pregnant was that they'd be open about the adoption and everything to our son, from the get-go. I got matched up to the perfect couple, they were there for his birth and cut his umbilical cord. He's four now, so he knows me as "this is Shelly, you grew inside her belly and she picked us to be your mom and dad." They have pictures of me pregnant, pictures of me and them, and pictures of me holding him in their home. He knows me, even though we haven't been able to visit as much as we'd like (they live across the country). And he will never feel lied to and knows that at no point in the process was he ever not wanted. He feels special because of it.