Post by Declan/Lucas'smommy on Mar 25, 2008 0:55:33 GMT -5
I am so sorry for what you are going thru...when my twins were born at 24 weeks...we were told of all the problems that they might end up having but all we wanted was to see what was going to be best fo them. Twin A Declan had an infection which was basically shutting down his entire body due to the lack of amnotic fluid. We had removed from his machines literally minutes before he died. At least, we got to hold him as he passed away. His brother Lucas did not have the infection so there was hope but we knew the risks of brain trama to a baby this age is very high. His brain bleed came back as being very low level so we were happy because that was good news However, in a matter of a day everything changed, problems with his lungs, blood pressure and oxygen levels. They retested the brain bleed and it was not at a level 4 the highest level. We knew immediately that all the transfusions they were giving him were bleeding right into his little brain. We knew that if he survived ever coming off of all the machines which they didn't believe he would that he would be severly severly brain damaged. This damage would not only affect his intelligence but his physical movements. For us, we didn't want our son to suffer a life like that....we wanted him to be able to live a life not be alive for us. I hope the difference between what I just said makes sense. I live everyday wondering if I did the right thing based on what the doctors were telling us. I can't take it back as much as I want to at times so instead I have to learn to live with it? I know we all have regrets, just some of us have major ones like yours because you blame yourself because you were the mommy but you can't keep blamming yourself, you did was best with the information that you were told. I blame myself because it was my responsibility to keep my boys safe and my body failed them. I am now in counseling because I can't move forward with my life until I have gotten past the blame. Consider counseling...it really does help to talk to someone who won't judge you or get defensive...they just make you feel safe no matter what you say.
Melissa
Melissa