Grandparent's Board - Your thoughts

[Clara Hinton]

Dear SG Member,

I have not been able to make a decision about the addition of a board for grandparents yet. This is a difficult one for me because I honestly have mixed feelings about it.

My two concerns are:

1. If we have grandparents here, they could become very upset when they read some of the posts made by their children (if their children are SG members). We all express openly our hurts and pain, and for a parent to see what his/her daughter said about "lack of family support" or "I don't think my parents care" has the potential to cause MORE grief within a family, rather than less.

2. A lot of people here choose to be "anonymous" and don't use his/her own name or personal identity which I think is fine. If you refer your parent to the site, I'm certain that a parent will, at some point, demand to know who you are on the boards and will read far too much into your posts. Again, I think this could cause way MORE grief than support.

That being said, I am still open to YOUR comments. Please, if you are a "grandparent" and are looking for a place of support, speak up. Or, if you are a child, and you want to refer your parent here for support, speak up and let me know your thoughts.

I'll leave this open for discussion for about a week before making a decision.

Thanks, as always, for your help!

Love,
Clara

[lindac]

In all honesty I don't feel we have need of a grandparents board. losing a grandchild is very difficult but it doesn't begin to compare with losing your own child. I certainly am not downplaying the grief of loss for grandparents. I have lost a grandchild and i have lost my son. I feel this is a safe place for parents who have lost a child and I would also worry about a grandparent coming here and reading plus replies that could hurt others. I honestly don't think there will be enough interest to start another board. We could all find many boards we would like to see started but again, there is justa smattering of people who would use them.

I will be interested to see what others think.

[stevensmamaw]

Hello I'm new at this, i'm Venus's mother . She found this site and it has helped her alot. I'm hopping it will help me as well. I'm trying to be strong for her and it hurts me so much when i see her cry, adn then there are days when we just cry together. I was so very close to Steven I spent the last 3 mo with him so when he fell in my pond i felt it was my fault i just checked on him and the phone rang I look back on it now and think I should have brought him in with me but on the same hand there was so many things i should have done When I try to sleep i see him floating in the pond. And i can't get this out of my mind. So if this site helps me or any other grandmother out there please let us in we hurt too.

[pamela]

Clara,

I think you made some very valid points, I know that I would never want my family (especially my sperm and egg donor) coming here, but then my relationship with my family is different then some.

I do think that there are probably a lot of others who wouldn't want their parents coming here also.

I do though hate to think that there is no where that a grieving grandparent can't go for help.

Clara, you know what is best for Sg, and for those of us on here who need the support.

Sorry I'm not much help.


love to you, you've been heavy on my heart lately.
pam

[judiann]

NO..........

judiann

[averysmom]

I've thought and thought about this. I still come back to it not being on this board. Maybe if you start an entirely new board for it. Just not here. This is the "safe" place for so many. I have moved on from my grief and isn't so raw. Now, I wouldn't mind if my family read what I posted, but in those early days...I would have hated it. People seek out web-based support in order to remain annonymous...let's keep it that way.

[lindac]

There is a post on loyc called Grandparents hurt too. A poster named gammo has put in a link for a grandparent support site. This is a completely different board so the need for grandparents who are grieving to have a safe place like SG has been met. Perhaps those who have expressed interest can check this site out.

Thanks.

[heidi]

I can't imagine that my loss affected my parents enough that they would seek out support.

[gammo]

Hello friends,

I just wanted to reiterate here what I posted on the Child Loss board. As a grandparent who has not only lost one but now three grandchildren, I can attest to the fact that most grandparents do grieve and seek support. The most crushing day of my life was the day my daughter lost her first baby born too soon. I was the Mom...I was suppose to be able to fix things for my child, yet here she lay giving birth to child that she wanted more than life itself...it was too soon...I couldn't stop the hands of time. I couldn't protect my daughter, my own baby from facing something that I couldn't even imagine. I not only lost my granddaughter, I lost a piece of my own daughter that day. I lost her innocence, her carefree happiness...I lost my little girl that day too but not in the same sense that she lost hers.

I needed to talk to those who understood my pain. My daughter didn't need to deal with my pain as it was all she could do to breathe. I needed a place to go to gain the strength I needed to be there for her. That is when I discovered a place just for Grandparents. Agast, Alliance of Grandparents in Support of Tragedy at www.agast.org.

As I said in my post, I appreciate those who would like to see a space on this board dedicated to grandparents, however, I do believe that sometimes parents need to be able to share their grief in a non-threatening environment. I am afraid one might feel limited in what they could share if they thought their parents might be reading their words. On the same hand, grandparents need to share their feelings as well without worrying about hurting their children's feelings. As grandparents, we share in the pain of having lost a grandchild but we also hurt at the reality of losing a part of our own child, as one is forever changed when they lose a child. I hope I making sense here. I invite each of you to give your parent's this information so that they too can have a safe place to share with other's who truly understand what they are going through. I am so thankful that you have a safe place like this to share with those who truly understand what your hearts are going through. I am truly sorry for each of your loses.

With love and prayers, Gammo to Kaylee, Angel Zoey and now Twin Angels

[cantlaugh]

I don't know, if a grandparent board is good or not. I really have mixed feelings...Grandparents suffer kind of a dual loss. They suffer the loss of a grandchild, but they also suffer the pain of watching there own child grieve, and hurt over the loss of there child. I know when we lost Karson, my mom didn't know how she should grieve....Should she cry over the loss of her precious grandbaby, who she loved with her whole heart...Should she try to be strong and be there for her daughter, who obviously needed someone to be there for her. Which way should she turn.

When my first born was born, he too went to the NICU. His outcome much more positive then Karson's and today he is 19 years old. I remember her (my mother saying)...I didn't know where I should be. Should I be with my daughter who was crying and wanted to know what was going on, who was hemorhaging and soon to go to surgery, who was in obvious pain. Should I be at the window, watching them work on my grandson. Where they were trying to get him to breathe...Who was I suppose to be with..

Greiving grandparents is different then grieving parents. Essentially they are hurting, they are grieving, and the pain is searing, and oozing and they are often torn between there child and there grandchild...

On the other hand, my mother was the one, that in trying to be there for me she would say things that just didn't sit right wtih my heart. Things that I would never yell at her for saying, because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. Nor would I want her to stop comforting me, because even though some of her words didn't help....Most of the time she was my strength, my moutain, my rock.

I wouldn't want her to come here and read a post that I posted that said..."Can you believe she said....." I would be afraid that she would read that, and in an attempt to not hurt me again, she would not say anything....This would be painful, and break my heart because most of the time, she is a great strength for me....

I guess I don't have a yes or no answer....If it was available I would share it with my mom. I do know that I would ether be cautious about what I said here, or cautious about what I said to my mother.....I know that it would change my grieving process...

Just my thoughts...Love ya all....Off to work I must go..

Love
donna

[stevensmamaw]

Thank you all as stevensmamaw i needed a place to go, and now i have one. I really don't want to intrude on Mothers who lost a loved one, but i couldn't find a site for me as a grandmother. Venus and I share alot we very close she is not just a daughter to me but a best freind a closeness that i hope we never break but as I read some of the letters from you all I came to understand a lot !!!! Thank you all and now i see this site really don't need a board for grandmothers Please keep it just like it is But i do want to thank you all for the love and prayers you gave to us . And thank you Gammo for the site.

[dudefeb9]

IM SPEAKING FOR MY MOTHER...WHEN I LOST THE BABY SHE WAS CRUSHED!!!! TO SEE HER FIRST GRAND BABY DIE AND TO WITNESS HER DAUGHTER GOING THREW THE TERRIBLE ORDEAL WAS JUST SO HARD FOR HER...I THINK ITS A WONDERFUL IDEA!!! IM ALL FOR IT!!!!

[redbarron980]

I would like to never have my mother visit this site, ever!!! She couldn't possibly understand why I did or said anything since I joined here! I came here and lurked for a few days and when I realized how safe I truely felt, I decided to start posting. I don't really "know" anyone on here and I would like to keep it that way!

[wuvmyangel93]

I too see both sides and say NO

there doesn't need to be a specific board, I feel sg is just getting too split as it is.

Some boards are rarely looked at now.

Also a grandparent is always welcome to post on whatever board they want. There could be a ton of grandparents we have on here and not even know it, shudders to think that.

[danielle]

I know my parents were deeply affected by my son's death, but they do not understand everything I am going through. There are times when I just want to get something off of my chest, and my mother says we all miss him, or when they don't understand why my dh does some of the things he does, my mother has said, he is not the only one who lost Christopher. I truly feel safe here and I am able to post how I truly feel without feeling bad about it. I know there are quite a few grandparents who post, and that is fine.... I just think that this needs to be for the parents.