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Post by devinsmommy on Feb 9, 2007 20:25:45 GMT -5
hi my name is karen and i wanted to share the story of what happened to my precious baby devin. devin was born on may 13 2000 he was my 3rd son my sons jason was 3 and nicholas was 18 months it was a surprise when nick was 9 months old and i was pregnaent again but we were happy .the whole 9 months we werent able to find out if devin was a girl or a boy but i knew in my heart he was a boy. we didnt even buy anything for a girl . we were so proud to have another son. devin was 7lbs 7oz and as far as we knew he was perfect and healthy . we had no indication he was sick . on may 19th at 330 am devin and i went back to sleep in my king size bed i woke up at 643am to find my baby not breathing.they took him to the hospital to work on hm and at 713am they said there was nothing else they could do they were sorry my son was dead. i couldnt believe it how could there be all those dr.s and all that equipment and they couldnt save my baby.i held devin for hrs. after he died . i didnt want to let him go i wanted to take him home they way he was.i just held him and rocked him .i couldnt believe how my baby who had been alive 4 hrs earlier was so silent and still now. it s been almost 7 years and still cant believe he is gone.i miss my baby boy more then anything and would give my own life so he could have a chance at a life. devin died from pulmonary hypertension which we had to wait 10weeks to find out from the autopsy what happened to him i didnt know if he suffocated he was in my bed next to me or if he died from sids . i am glad if my baby had to pass away he did next to me and that he didnt die alone.i miss him so much and just wanted to share with everyone what happened to my little boy
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Post by Jaleel's Mommy on Feb 20, 2007 23:36:09 GMT -5
karen ((HUGS)) thank youf ro sharing a part of devin with us all. I know him & jaleel are great angel friends & are playing little good little boys *winks* lol until they can be witht heir mommy's again!!!
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Post by seansmommy on Mar 23, 2007 13:02:43 GMT -5
posted June 19, 2003 03:22 AM ________________________________________ I am so sick of not having the girls in my house and having my sil be the one to make the decisions on what to do with my girls it is driving me nuts. It seems like lately whatever will happen has happened and I can't stand it. Ok over the last 2 months this is what we have had happen to us: Sean's birthday , Sean's accident 2 days later , Child Protective Services investigate us, CPS ask us to "voluntarily remove our remaining children from the home because they have grave concerns regarding their safety, The girls moved in with my parents only to find out that they are the ones who gave CPS the ammo to remove the girls in the first place, the ammo was info from when I was a very irresponsible teenager and they didn't bother to interview anyone on my dh's side or my neighbor who was here right after the accident, my stepmominlaw's dad died and the wake was a week after Sean's accident, Sean Died 2weeks and a day after the accident because the doctors told us it was hopeless that he would never recover and we had to make the decision to take him off of life support and wait for him to die! UGH those were the hardest 12 hours of my life hearing him breathing but secretly wanting him to just snap out of it and jump up and be fine, Sean's funeral 2 days later, Removing the girls from my parents house to my sil because we found a bruise the size of a half dollar on her right side by her kidney (she bruises easily, and is very fair skinned, and my step mom didn't think it was necessary to inform me of this because when they got the girls they had bruises all over yeah on their arms and legs from falling and being rambunctious kids, but this was a blow with some sort of blunt object that was round) and no one bothered to notify us of it oh and we were banished from going to my parents house also and banished from playing with the girls in my fathers house the way we always play with them slightly rough but we are a young and energetic couple who like to play with our kids, moved the girls to sil who I really don't like but the alternative is foster care Yikes, Find out that my parents are suing us for grandparental rights and they wouldn't give us the money for the grave only if we paid them back...GRRRRRRR They were being selfish not selfless so we refused, We missed the original court date because of miscommunication and because of that my parents got visitation privileges with my daughters, we went to court on the lawsuit and I called my dad a pot smoker and control freak who was more like a uncle to me growing up than a father in open court Ahhh that felt good, My dh talked to my first step mom( whom I had reason to believe abused me while my father was married to her but according to her it was just a battle of the wills with us I was only 3-8 during that marriage so I don't have many memories of it) on the phone and I found out the only reason why I was adopted in the first place was to be a distraction for my mother so she wouldn't notice that my dad was cheating on her!!!!!!, Oh and I found out that my dad blackmailed my aunt and grandmother so he could have controlling interest in the family printing business when my grandfather died suddenly if they didn't comply he threatened to open up a competitor to put them out of business, My "parents" got visitation every other weekend and phone privileges with the girls twice a week, Sil is trying to run my life and unfortunately running the lives of my daughters, Her complaining attitude is rubbing off on the girls my autistic daughter told me to shut up not once but twice one day after I picked her up from school to take her over to the daycare, The property management refuses to put a pool cover on the pool because they think it would be even more dangerous (they are thinking of the ones that just sit on top of the water while we are talking about the ones that are anchored to the outside of the pool and made out of the same material as trampolines are, I have a Father's day party here and it is good except my sil who has my children is late by 3 hours and then leaves only after staying for 2,I lost 20lbs, I find out that I am pregnant, My dh has to have his gallbladder out in emergency surgery the day after the party and I get to be the one to take him to the hospital, I know he is sick when he tells me at 7am take me to the hospital NOW!, we moved our warehouse from Austin to San Antonio, we need to move in a month and a half and don't even have a clue to what house we are going to get, and we will be moving while I am pregnant, our medical bills are out the door, I had to take a full psychological evaluation to make sure that I am sane enough to have the girls in my home and my dh must do the same, I am not allowed to be alone with my own daughters except in transporting them to and from places. So how have the last 2 months been for y'all? I WANT MY LIFE BACK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! {{{{{Hugs}}}}} and sanity to us all and thanks for listening to me rant.
Now fast forward 4 yrs later. My youngest dd is 3 middle dd is 9 and oldest is 10. My parents are out of my life now because the court finally dropped the case for want of prosecution. My dh and I have our ups and downs but mostly ups. We love the house we live in now and the girls love it too. I still think of Sean everyday and it is hard having the youngest look so much like him. So that is what is happening now. I am dreading next month so I have a feeling I will be coming back. Shelley
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Post by kandjmommy on Mar 27, 2007 21:31:52 GMT -5
hi heres katies story for many who dont know my angel Im a mom of 2 children and recently my littlest angel went to heaven. Katie was born premature, but this little 4 lb wonder was so strong and I belive came early so she could spend as much time as she could with me, and her Brother. She grew so fast and by her due date was 10lbs basically tripled her birth weight. Katies favorite thing in the whole world was to nurse including the day she died, she had nursed all year and she had made it to every holiday and was there for mommy through what i thought would be hard when her daddy and mommy split. Katie would always brighten my day and learned to do things earlier then normal which made me so proud she had such a happy spirt and I was always stopped in stores to be told how happy she always was and how pretty she was. Im so proud of my angel katie girl but I miss her so much. Leading up to her Big Angel day Sept 6th 2 days prior i took pictures of her that show how much her hair was finally coming in and this glow to her i could see how much she was growing up and i got a glimse of what she was going to look like and she was goregous she had taken her first steps that previous week and was now taking 8 to 9 steps but crawling was her main transportation she would find me where ever i was and want to sit in my lap or nurse. she loved her brother and would love to race across the kitchen in their twin push toys and sometimes brother would ride with her and push her they just loved each other and its so hard to see Jacob go through life missing his sister as much as mommy does. On labor day weekend sunday I took Katie and Jacob to the doctor becasue i wanted them to be well for daycare since they just started and im very over pretective of my kids, they had a runny nose and a cough so they were given an antibiotic and diamatapp and sent on home. On Sept 6,06 I gave the kids their meds and got them ready for the day the kids took a bath together and were giggling over the bubbles and their toy cars i got them dressed and dropped them off at daycare, at around 1, I called the daycare to ask if I could keep the kids their longer since I was going to work an extra hour and was told no problem usually I had my phone in my backpack but this time after calling I put it in my pocket and went back to the infant center that I was working at in the college( I couldnt get my kids in that center) well an hour later I was called and told your daughters not breathing and the fire department are here and they are doing cpr then I hung up and my boss drove my to the hospital when I got there they put me in a room and stared asking me questions and i kept saying when can I see her is she breathing and all they would tell me is shes being worked on a half hour later what seemed like eterninty later a doctor came in saying everyone did everything right with cpr and it was caught early but were sorry after an hour your daughter didnt make it I then said no and screamed let me see her and they said no not yet I then pushed my way where they were still cleaning her up she had tubes and this thing stuck in her leg and nose tubes my poor baby girl I told her what happened i was so in shock i wanted to nurse her hoping maybe something would help her it wasnt till her head dropped back and her temp started breathing that i realized she was not in there i held her for as long as i could she looked even with all the tubes like she was peacefully sleeping it was so hard and even now is hard to comprehend that she really is gone. Life is so extremly hard and the only thing keeping me going is my son and the faith that she is in heaven wating for me. katie past at 1 year and 20 days old and we were given very little anwsers her autopsy showed just how perfect she was i was stunned the only thing it showed was she had some congestion but nothing that could explain her death i was and still am shocked by this so i turned to sids and realized she was to old and would not fit that catogory it wasnt intill i did my own research that i finally found the sudc program www.sudc.com where i learned that sids does occur over 1 its called sudc sudden unexplanied death in children over 1. I miss her so much and their isnt anything that i wouldnt do if i could just have her back i loved her so much. I feel like her life was a blessing and i look at her life as a happy one because all my memories are of her happy. I look at her pics and see her smiling and think she was always happy and would want me to be like that but it is so hard when shes not their, Im truely sorry that i have to join u because it means that u have all suffered this loss but im glad that i found u all. It been 6 mo and it feels like it was yesterdayi just want her back I miss you princess you will always be my boob head and katie girl
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Post by triciamoore on May 1, 2007 16:23:32 GMT -5
My name is Tricia Moore. I am 23 yrs. old. I lost my little girl, Susan, at the age of 2 in a tragic house fire. I was burnt severely, but for a long time I wondered why she died instead of me. It's been 14 months now, and I still find myself cursing GOD at times, but I know that He spared me on that day so I could take care of my other children. We didn't know, but at the time of the fire I was pregnant with my now 5 mo. old son Jacob. GOD truly gave us a blessing when he was born. We were so afraid there would be problems because of the medications I was on because of the burns, but when he was born he was perfect. He was 5 lb. 12 oz. and 18 1/2 in. I know that I have to move on, no matter how impossible it may seem at times. I just wish that Jake would have gotten to know his big sister. I will pray for each of the parents and siblings that have lost a child. It is the hardest thing that life will ever have in store for us. I know that God is watching over each and every one of us, and that with time, we will be able to move on(NOT "get over"). God Bless and protect.
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Post by handmaid on May 31, 2007 16:29:44 GMT -5
I went into labor at 5:30 Tuesday morning, August 9th. It was 4 days past my due date and I was starting to think Matthias would never be born.
The week before I had started having contractions, but they had stopped when I took a bath. I decided to try a bath again, but this time the contractions didn’t stop! I tried to lie back down in bed but was too uncomfortable. Richard got up to go to work, but we weren’t sure if he should go or not. We decided to call my dad and sister and have them come over to watch our 6 year old daughter, Grace. When Grandpa Mike and Steph arrived, we kissed Grace goodbye and hurried out the door. It was nearing 8:00. Contractions were two minutes apart and I could only focus on breathing through them. Richard peeled out of the driveway and roared onto Interstate 94 like Steve McQueen. Dodging and weaving through traffic, I just shut my eyes and braced myself. I trusted Richard’s driving…mostly. I did glance at the speedometer once, but when I saw it inching past 100 mph, I thought it best not to look anymore. We arrived and headed to the Maternity Care Center.
Quickly I was taken to a room, dressed in a gown and hooked up to an external fetal monitor and an I.V. for antibiotics. Then I got up to use the bathroom. This is when the doctors think Matthias’ cord became pinched and he started to lose oxygen. I got back into bed and a nurse came to check on me. She glanced at the fetal heart rate monitor and said, “Uh Oh, what happened?” Matthias’ heart rate was plummeting.
Just then my midwife rushed in. (She had been caught in traffic.) She tried having me change positions to get the heart rate up, but nothing worked. I sensed that my midwife and nurses were worried, but I could hardly focus on anything other than getting through the contractions. When my midwife broke my water and saw a lot of meconium staining, she called for the doctor and told Richard they needed to do an emergency C-section.
As they wheeled me to the OR, I felt a huge urge to push. I told the nurse but she didn’t answer, so I pushed! I pushed again a couple times in the OR as they were prepping and one doctor told me not to. Yeah, right. Then they decided to let me go ahead and deliver Matthias. Two more big pushes and he was out. Richard, who had not been allowed in before that, came in moments after Matthias was delivered. I didn’t know it at the time, but Matthias had been born without a heartbeat and not breathing. Immediately they began resuscitation and were able to get his heart beating. I hadn’t yet seen Matthias. Richard came to my side and told me, “He’s not breathing.” I just nodded. I felt like the worst was over. The contractions were over, Matthias was delivered; the doctors were taking care of him. I felt sure everything would be fine now. I was able to glance at Matthias as they wheeled me out of the OR and back into my room. He looked beautiful to me.
After Matthias was born, he needed to be transferred to a different hospital. I don’t remember the time right after delivery very well. I remember that when they were ready to take Matthias, they brought him into my room for me to see. He was in a transport unit, all hooked up to oxygen and things. I lay on my bed and looked over at my baby. He was so beautiful. He looked just like I knew he would, just like my own sweet baby.
We decided Richard would go with him and I would follow as soon as I could. I took and long bath and Mom and Steph sat with me. The Neonatal Nurse Practitioner had talked to us before Matthias left and had basically told us his prospects were not good.
As I sat in the bath, it sunk in that Matthias would probably die. I felt so tired. Richard and my brother were at Fairview, and our pastors were there too. Within a few hours I was well enough to leave Woodwinds and go to Fairview. It was pouring rain when we left. It seemed fitting.
I remember walking into the NICU, seeing all the tiny babies, and then seeing Matthias. I knew him instantly. I could have picked my baby out of a thousand. Richard was sitting next to the little bassinet with his hand on Matthias’ chest. Matthias had begun to convulse, like he couldn’t take a breath, like a little child who has cried too long. It was horrible to watch his little body seize up and not be able to do anything. Richard knew what to do, though. He prayed over that tiny body every time it convulsed until it let up. Matthias was hooked up to so many wires and tubes. He had a diaper on loosely, but no clothes. He lay totally limp, except for the periodic convulsions. Eventually the doctors gave him a drug to paralyze his little body so it couldn’t seize up anymore. Then he just laid there, a machine breathing for him, never moving or opening his eyes. In the NICU, we had several meetings with Matthias’ doctors. They were very honest with us about his prognosis. Most likely his little body would not be able to survive much longer. If he did survive he would be completely brain dead; - blind, deaf, eating and breathing through machines. They gently advised removing life support.
Richard and I agonized over such a decision. We were honestly terrified of having a severely handicapped son, but we wanted to be able to trust the Lord even in that. So we prayed, sought council and waited.
Soon it became clear that Matthias would not live. He was on maximum doses of medication and still his little body was failing. Now it was not a matter of if he would die, but when.
With breaking hearts, we asked our families and a few close friends to gather with us on the evening of Wednesday, August 10th. We all spent a precious time holding Matthias, singing hymns and praying.
Then pastor John Erickson lead Richard and I in dedicating our son, Matthias Paul, to the Lord.
“Matthias, together with your parents who love you dearly, and this people who care about the outcome of your faith, I dedicate you to God, surrendering together with them all wordly claim upon your life in the hope that you will belong wholly to God forever.”
After that everyone left except for our pastors, my parents and a couple who were our close friends. Holding my sweet baby in my arms, born a scant 36 hours earlier, I said goodbye. The nurse removed his breathing tube and slowly his little heart stopped beating. His Papa placed his hand over Matthias‘ chest and felt the beating grow fainter and fainter and finally stop.
I was left holding his body; his spirit we gave to Jesus.
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Post by andromeda on Jul 8, 2007 18:24:14 GMT -5
My name is Melissa. I'm a 22 year old SAHM to 2 little earthly girls, and a brand new angel in heaven. I found out I was pregnant with Calypso 12 days before Christmas. I kept saying '12 days till Christmas my true love gave to me' At 11 weeks I started bleeding very heavily for no reason and they said I would loose the baby but I didn't. At 18 weeks we discovered very low fluid a level of 1.5 and 4.5 was critical. 2 weeks later we still had low fluid. On May 2 2007 23 weeks 4 days I woke up COVERED in blood. Called 911 and 2 hospitals later was settled into the OBICU at IU Hospital. 6 weeks later at 29 weeks 5 days I gave birth to my daughter Calypso Paikea Rhyder who I was told would probably be still born. Calypso was such a strong strong little girl. This is her journal entry from yesterday
'Calypso Paikea Rhyder got her angel wings today 7/7/07. People say 777 is heaven's number and today I truly believe that.
As we were on our way to the NICU this morning about 10 minutes outside of Indy the dr called and told us that her oxygen sats had been under 60 for 4 hours and we needed to hurry because we were loosing her.
When we got there I called my parents and we went in to see her and talked to the doctors. I could tell just by looking at her it was obvious she was already almost gone. The drs said they could try another procedure that had little chance of working or take her off the vent. We chose to let her go. The hardest thing we've ever done in our life.
But doing the right thing is not always easy. As I held my angel today they baptized her and my girls got to come in and to see her. And my mom and my mil held her. Then we went to the other room and they were taking her off the vent and were going to bring her to us.
Oh Lord she fought! Even without the ventilator in my arms I could hear her gurgling and trying to breathe and I wanted to DIE. I was killing my baby and letting her die. My angel went to heaven in a room surrounded by my family and dh's family. We don't have an exact time of death because she died in our arms.
They dressed her in an outfit and wrapped her in a blanket and brought her back to us again to love on her. Before we left they gave us the clothes and the blanket she had been wearing as well as a lot of mementos. They did foot prints and hand prints and casts of her hands and feet which they will mail to us. We got a baptism certificate as well as a large teddy bear with a card that reads
'I know that this little teddy bear could never heal your broken heart or replace your child but, i will give you something to hold on to.
These teddy bears were given in memory of children that were called back to Heaven far too soon.
This teddy bear was given in memory of Scottie Michael Mullenix with love from his family'
And it has a picture of an angel on it. We also got every blanket and hat and anything that Calypso had used in the NICU.
My soul is half missing and it will never be whole until the day I am reunited with my princess.'
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Post by yalainassocks on Jul 11, 2007 15:23:37 GMT -5
my name is ro, and i'm a mommy to emminence, 8, and calvin, 7, and our yalaina left this world at 6½ weeks old. her story is pretty much summed up by what i wrote for the program for her memorial. i didn't want to call it an obituary, and i didn't want it to be sad: Yalaina Symone Griffin
May 11, 2007 – June 26, 2007
Hi!
My name is Yalaina Symone Griffin and I lived to be 46 whole days old! My birthday is May 11, 2007 and I went home to be with God on June 26, 2007.
Way before my first birthday, the doctors told my mommy and daddy that I had a bunch of icky fluid in my tummy. They called it hydrops. That mean old hydrops gave me a really hard time. It made my kidneys, liver, spleen, and lungs all broken and stuff. On my good days when my kidneys were working a little bit, my family & friends did the "Pee-Pee Dance" They were all really pulling for me. I was and still am very loved.
And when that stinky-face hydrops tried to get the best of me, I put up my dukes and fought it right back with all of my might. In the end, the yucky hydrops won. But since I put up such a good fight for so long, maybe the doctors were able to learn something from me so that next time the hydrops won't win.
I almost forgot to tell you about my family! They've been so great! My mommy's name is Ro and my daddy's name is Eric (I was his first munchkin). I have a big sister named Emminence and a big brother named Calvin. They were really excited to have a little sister. I also have two grandmas, two grandpas, five uncles, three aunts and about 10 cousins. On top of all of those family members, I have my OTHER family who all love me just as much; everyone at The Dwelling Place Faith Community, Traveler's Rest Missionary Baptist Church, & all the people at Methodist Hospital, who took good care of me & tried so hard to fix me.
Thank all of you who prayed for me, thought about me, and hoped for the best for me. I felt the love – in fact, that's what pulled me through. Now that I'm here in Heaven, I'll put in a good word for you, keep my eye on you in the meantime, and I'll see you when you get here!
Hey guys, please remember this!
Romans 5:3-5
"….We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
A Blessing from Heaventhe morning of june 26th was like a long dream. the day before, i had gotten to hold miss yalaina. sometimes she did well with movement, other times she didn't like to be touched. that day, she liked being held, but she didn't tolerate being put back. her heart rate and blood oxygenation lurked in low numbers. throughout the night, the doctor's kept calling me telling me that the baby's heartrate just wouldn't come up and neither was her blood oxygenation. Prior to this, at&t was scheduled to come fix a phone jack for us. they gave us a window of 8-5. God set everything up perfectly. for probably the first time in history, at&t came out at the exact time that they said they would. so they were at my house fixing the phone jack while all of the events unfolded. had they not come, i would have been at the hospital when yalaina left us, but God knew that i wouldn't have been able to witness what they had to do to her. when her heart rate dropped dramatically, they started chest compressions. her heart then stopped. so they gave her a shot of epinephrine to start her heart again, but she was already gone. at&t was done at the very moment i got word that she didn't make it. God was at work. i told the kids without actually saying any words and they weeped. their friends' mom was coming up the sidewalk at the very same time that we were walking down the sidewalk to go to the hospital, so the kids went with her. i had to pick up my husband's mom, and she drove us there. when we got to the hospital, i saw my sweet girl, laying there, completely unattached, wrapped in the blanket that i had crocheted for her while i was in the hospital. i grabbed her, held her, cried, and whispered to her how proud of her i was. we then went down the hall to a more cozy, quiet room to spend time with our baby girl for the very last time. my mil, brother, friends and later my husband, all took turns holding her. i didn't want to leave her. i still don't. i miss her so much. i constantly think of her and i sometimes still want to go sit with her in the hospital, but she's not there. the image of her being in a 4 or 5 year old's body running around in heaven playing with the other children is what keeps me going and knowing that when i pray to God to give her kisses and hugs from us, He does. i just wrote about her whole journey on my blog: www.xanga.com/missro it's a VERY LONG read. thank you for listening
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Post by Jaleel's Mommy on Jul 11, 2007 23:14:13 GMT -5
that was so beautifully written. I am so sorry those yucky hydrops won I lost my Jaleel last June 13th he was born may 18,2006. I know you miss your baby girl so much & you have a rough road ahead of you but all of us at SG are always here for you!!! P.S. Yalaina is so beautiful!!! (((HUGS))) Stacey
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Post by wuvmyangel93 on Jul 15, 2007 20:15:40 GMT -5
beautiful tribute to your tiny angel princess
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Post by Graci's Mommy on Sept 20, 2007 20:26:40 GMT -5
Hi. I'm new to the boards...I stumbled across this website when I was googling for books about grief and loss. So this is actually my first post....
I'm 27 now, and I think it's safe to say I've wanted to be a mom since I was about 14. Knowing of course that 14 wasn't a good age. I was married when I was 20 and tried through out my 5 year marriage to get pregnant, it didn't seem to be in God's plan. I did finally become pregnant in January of this year. Saw the 2 blue lines on the test in the middle of February, I was so excited. I can't describe it. I've wanted to be a mom for so long. My mom is my best friend in the world. It's a bond that can't be broken. Through my love for children I've spent TONS of time with them...and it never fails that no matter how much fun we're having or what we're doing...or even how much that kid loves me...when mom walks in the door I'm chopped liver. I wanted to see that look when I walked in the door...to watch a face light up and then hear 'mommy!' as they ran into my arms...so for God to finally be blessing me with a baby...it was unbelievable. I did everything I was told to by the dr's. I read everything imaginable about pregnancy and keeping your baby safe through pregnancy((discussing anything I did with my dr of course)). Everything was wonderful. After playing the name game for about 3 months we learned on May 29th that we were having a girl...we decided on the name Graci Michelle. On June 5th I woke up with what I thought was a gas bubble ((you know the way your stomach hurts when you have to go potty or right before you 'fluff' as my niece calls it))...I called the dr and his nurse told me it was nothing to worry about. I woke up about 4 am the next morning b/c I had to pee ((something I'd long since gotten used too as I drank TONS of water)). While I was sitting there I sneezed...and it turns out that that final burst of pressure is what was needed...b/c my water broke. At this point I was 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I woke up my Kevin and we went to the ER...I spent the day in the hospital...to be sent home at 6pm. They told me that my water had broke, there was no fluid around the baby...but that her heart beat was strong and if the tear in the membrane repaired itsself then she could replinish the fluid on her own. The next morning I talked to my dr, who was extremely angry that they sent me home instead of sending me to a hospital with a NICU ((I was in rural southern Illinios)). It was decided that I would go home to him...home was Kansas City, MO at the time. Kevin and I left when he got off of work on the 7th, nobody thought it was a major deal...her heartbeat was strong that afternoon before we left. We were about 30 mins from Cape Giradeau when I started getting bad cramps in my stomach and back and I began vomitting. When we got to the ER I was immediately taken to the birthing center. There a dr told me that there was an infection in my uterus and that we had to induce labor or it would kill me and the baby both, and that chances of the baby surviving were slim. So now I'm 22 weeks 6 days...exactly 8 days from the time 'they' feel a baby can survive on it's own. Before Kevin and I could even discuss inducing labor I started having contractions. They were 2 mins apart for 2 and a half hours...lasting about 1 to 1.5 mins. Everytime I contracted it stopped her heartbeat. She was born at 11:28pm on June 07. And died at 1:17am on June 08. Because she gasped for air she was considered a live birth. One of the things that gets me most is that it hurt more to deliver the placenta than it did to deliver the baby. She was 12 in long and 15oz. Because she was a foot long we had to to bury her. No 'life saving' efforts were made to prolong Graci's life. A decision that was very hard for us to make, but in the end didn't matter b/c they said she was too small, young, and weak to do much for and she never took a full breath. Her lungs were extremely under developed. I've been told that I had an infection...nobody's sure if it was caused by my water breaking or if it caused my water to break. Basically, we don't know where the infection came from so therefore we don't know why she was born so prematurely.
I'm struggling alot right now. My due date was October 6. The closer the day comes the more I seem to feel down. Sometimes it's hard to even go out to the store. I get so angry sometimes watching people go on with their day-2-day lives. At times I feel like I should be able to go about normal daily activities. Other times I think it's amazing I'm so sane. It's hard for me to understand how He could give me such a gift...and then yank that gift away from me. I know that He has a purpose....I just...I dunno...how do you go from mentally preparing yourself to be a mother....to being a grieving mother without ever actually BEING a mother...
I'm still amazed by the power of God in a few things throughout the brief life of Graci. #1 She was 8 days from her lungs being developed where they need to be ...8 days...it took man like 50 YEARS to make the 'Iron Lung'...it takes God only months to entirely develop a baby. Also, when my water broke I lost all of the amniotic fluid surrounding her. This isn't something that we can replace. Only God can make it....through Graci. All of the medical advances in the world...and we can't artificially create the nutrients and wonders that are the amniotic fluid.....How do people not believe in God after knowing that?
Anyway, that's my story....thanks for reading and caring..
~Lani~
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Post by heidiforever on Oct 6, 2007 16:50:24 GMT -5
Lani, I am thinking of you today, as it was your due date...I am so sorry for your loss hunny...and btw, I love her name. Perfect.
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Post by ~Evansmom~ on Oct 15, 2007 16:24:09 GMT -5
Evan Andrew Noullet Born July 29,2007 4:19pm Died July 30,2007 2:47 am I was told that there would be a slim chance of getting pregnant. I always assumed that I had PCOS and I was recently diagnosis with Diabetes. So I just never thought it would happen. Well on March 26,2007 I was just not feeling right I had been tired all the symptoms of being pregnant I decided to take an HPT. Well to my surprise within a minute it read POSITIVE. We were so happy all my life I had dreamed of having a baby, and now my prayers had been answered. I found a doctor that fit me in right away since I had diabetes, and on March 28 it was confirmed that yes I was pregnant. I had my first ultrasound and determined that I was 5week3days and you could already see his heart fluttering away. Well from that time on everything went downhill at 6 weeks on April 1 I went to the grocery store everything was fine I came home put up the groceries went to the bathroom (as all pregnant moms do all the time) looked down, and was covered in blood. I started passing clots, and I thought that right then I had lost my baby. My husband rushed me to the hospital ER, and after 4 hours of waiting they took me in for an Ultrasound to revel that my baby was still there. I was told to go home and rest on my left side and call my OB in the morning, well I did and everything was fine. I was put on light duty, and sent to a perinatologist. I found out that I had bacteria vaginosis where it is the overgrowth of bacteria in the vaginal area, and was put on antibiotics. Then at 13 weeks I woke in the middle of the night to find out that I was bleeding again, and again I thought that I had lost the baby same story went to the ER only to be told nope Baby is still in there happy as can be. I was then diagnosed with BV again, and also a UTI, I was then prescribed more antibiotics and to take it easy on light duty. Again everything was going good I had a few aches and pains, but nothing to be worried about according to my doctor. Then at 23w4d I was at work and went to the Bathroom and wiped and there was some Mucous. Everybody kept telling me that was normal not to worry well the next day I decided to call my doctor anyway just to make sure well she checked me and noticed some watery discharge she did the litmus paper test and determined that it was not my water, She checked my cervix I was still tight and long not to worry everything is Ok. Well that night I started having contractions, But I thought it was just cramping being my first I had no idea. I thought that they were from me being checked, Well by the next day(Saturday) my contractions were every 15 min apart. I decided to go to the ER and the nurse hooked me up to the monitors and told me “Not that I don’t believe you or anything, but your not in labor you have a UTI go home) so I went home. Then all night I was up with contractions every 5min apart. My husband was not home at the time so I decided to have my sister bring me to another hospital were they also put me on the monitors and my contractions were not registering. They kept saying everythings ok. Well my sister had to go so I told her to leave that I would be ok and I would have my husband bring me home when he got home from his parents house. So here I am alone in the hospital hooked up on monitors when they decide to check me, and I was 10cm dilated and my baby was coming soon. They brought in an US machine and told me that he was transverse that I had to have a C-section and that they were going to cut me up and down to get him out quick that his lungs were not developed ( I was at 24 weeks at this point)and that they had one of the best teams around that this was the time he needed to be delivered. I was rushed in and baby Evan was born weighing in at 1 pound and 9 ounces and 11 and ¾ in long. All I remember of the whole time in the operating room was the words “ let go baby you have to let go of the cord. You have to let go of mommy”. I was told that he needed a blood transfusion and that he was doing good that he had weaned himself from needing 100% Oxygen to 40% that was great. They took me to my room and told me to get some sleep, that I would be able to see him in the morning. Then at 2:50am my nurse and the doctor came into my room, and I just knew that he didn’t survive. We were told to come say our last goodbyes before it was too late. I got to the NICU and I could here them working on Him. They opened the door and told me that It was too late that his heart had given out on him, he was just too premature. I was asked if I wanted an autopsy on him, But I refused I couldn’t handle the thought of him like that so little, but I had the placenta sent off and was told that it was perfectly healthy, the bag of waters were clear(representing that there was no infection) That there was no reason why he came so early? An answer I guess I will never get. We had a small private burial on August 5 . Its getting harder and harder as my EDD approaches ( November 19) All my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. I am glad you listened to my story I sometimes feel that everyone around me cringes when I talk about Evan like I shouldn’t or something, but he was my baby just like their children are theirs, I feel the need to talk about him sometimes.
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Post by mankillerrn on Oct 16, 2007 16:42:12 GMT -5
I dont think I ever poseted on this thread~~~Here goes
Died at Childrens Memorial Hospital in Chicago IL after a diagnosis of bowel malrotation with volulous to far gone for anything to be done other than give her the most love anyone could.
Miss Aubrey was a very much wanted addition to our family. Her brother was too young to understand what he was getting out of mommy's belly but would kiss "baby" anyway. She was born 3 weeks early due to her large size, 10lbs 3oz and 23in long. At first she only had a few issues with her blood sugar not uncommon with babies of that size or having a diabetic mother. Things progressively went south and she was transfered a few days after her birth to a chiago speciality hospital because she was having issues beyond what the local hospital could assist with. She had surgery sometime around 2pm and was back in our arms at 4pm to start her journey to heaven. We had a priest come and she was baptisized and given the annoiting of the sick and confirmation. We held our angel awaiting family to come to visit with her for the last and sometimes first times. She passed away in Daddys arms around 11pm that nite. Peaceful and with as little pain as mommy could do for her. She hardly complained during all her 3 days on earth even with all the tests and needles and pain. She held my hand with a good grasp and looked into my eyes with what I could only describe as the look of an old soul. As if she was trying to tell me that she was going soon but that she loved us. She was waked on Friday in her mother christening gown. Given her own blessed rosary, cross and daddy's girl necklace, a pink moo cow of her own from her brother and photos of her family. She is the most important thing that has ever occured in my life. Her short life has brought me so much sorrow but overwhelming joy. I have a new outlook on life, a new appreciation for what I have, and have found my purpose thru her. She has touched many people and continues to do so. She is missed very deeply by her daddy and all the others who have made a space for her in their heart. Never did I imagine, in my wildest dreams that she would never come home with us. Instead God decided that her purpose had been served and granted her entrance into the kingdom of heaven. Where she plays with other angel babies awaiting the arrival of her family. Forever loved and missed beyond comprehension!
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Post by ejahenderson on Nov 3, 2007 0:34:57 GMT -5
Well, Im not really sure how to start this. I am 22, pregnant with my second child and married to a wonderful man. My son Ayden should be two, but he passed away August 21, 2007. 4 days after his second birthday. He was born August 17, 2005 a beautiful, healthy 8lb 12oz little bundle of joy. He was so incredibally smart and had the most wonderful sense of humor. After his second christmas, he started to get sick, and constipated. We took him to the dr numerous times and they just kept telling us to change his diet, that the sickness was just viral. He stopped walking, if I set him on the ground, he acted like it hurt him too bad to stand, he would crouch down and grab his thighs. We took him to so many doctors, and they all said he was fine. Finally one day, Ayden couldnt pee. He would grab himself and just cry. I called my husband home from work and we went to the emergency room. After many hours of being there, we had an ultrasound that showed his bladder too full to see his appendix (they thought it was appendicitis) so we got a ct scan of his abdomen. Well, it was cancer. He had a four inch tumor in his abdomen, so they transferred us to another hospital, and then we met a oncologist, and they transferred us again so he could have surgery. Well, we spent two weeks in the hospital the first time, he had surgery and started chemotherapy. He had extragonadal germ cell cancer that had already spread to many places in his bones. Very rare cancer, and even more rare that it be in his bones and no organs. He went through a few more rounds, and the tumor was 98% gone, and the bone scan showed no cancer in his bones.. Wonderful news! My baby was going to be ok! Well, it stopped working, he got worse and they said the chemo wasnt working.. We tried new chemo.. it didnt work.. We went through six months of week long chemo treatments, got so close to him being our healthy, wonderful little boy.. But he didnt get better.. He stopped walking all together, he stopped sitting up, he stopped eating.. he didnt want the things he normally wanted.. The cancer spread to his lypmhnodes in his throat, his face got so distorted from the cancer growing so fast. He wasnt Ayden anymore, he slept most of the day, he didnt laugh, he didnt smile, he didnt talk. He just hurt, all the time.. Moving him from the couch to his crib broke my heart because he would scream in pain. He started getting bed sores.. He was just so miserable.. His second birthday we had a little party for him, a CARS party, it was his favorite movie.. He slept most of the day, but he seemed to enjoy it.. I went back to work, and the day I did, my baby passed away.. He died while I was gone.. I will never ever forgive myself for that. Those last weeks I tried to distance myself from my baby because I didnt know how to deal with it.. and I hate myself for that.. I couldnt even look at him it just hurt so much. Those days after he died seem so unreal. They kept him at my mother in laws house until I got to see him.. He looked like my baby again.. his face was no longer swollen.. he looked so beautiful.. I couldnt touch him.. it hurt too bad to even see him like that.. not seeing his little chest rise and fall, not seeing his lips move.. Its been over two months and I just seem to fall further and further away from what used to be my life. I found out I was pregnant the last time Ayden was in Chemo, and I just think about how Ayden would have loved to be a big brother.. and how i am going to explain to my little girl that her big brother died.. I miss him like a piece of my heart, the one I need is missing.. I had two years with an angel.. a child who was so smart that he could have cured cancer.. Why was he taken away? I am very new to this type of post.. and sharing my feelings, I push away from my husband and my family.. I just need some insight.. I'm a mom without a baby.. and it breaks my heart..
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