I just found out I'm going to be having a miscarriage.

[mrsfortuna]

    My husband and I were so excited/nervous when we found out that I was pregnant. But nervousness went after and all that was left was excitement and happiness and love for this little life that was growing inside me. I had my first doctor's appointment where they ask all the question, take blood, another pregnancy test. They said everything looked fine and it seemed as if my body was handling my first pregnancy really well. Then I started bleeding a week ago. It was just a little spotting but I was scared. No one around me had bleed before during their pregnancy. So I did what anyone would have done, I went to the er. They found a hemorrhage and they told me that my pregnancy could go either way right now and it was too early to tell if I'd be in the large percentage of women that got to keep their babies, or if I would be in the percentage that lost their baby. They said I need to go to a follow up with my main doctor.
    My doctor only ordered two blood tests with a day between to check my pregnancy hormone. Turns out it was pretty pointless of them to do that. I went back to the ER exactly a week after the first visit. I had woken up gusting with blood at four in the morning. I was so scared. I woke my husband up and we immediately went to the ER. Last time I had been they saw a perfectly healthy baby and a perfectly healthy heart beat. This time there wasn't a heart beat to be heard. They told me that I was having a miscarriage and to prepare myself for the cramps and the tissue leaving my body.
    Instead of a baby, it is now classified as tissue that needs to leave my body for my safety. Instead of a growing baby, I'm now playing a waiting game to see if my body expels my tiny little baby naturally or if I have to have surgery to have it removed. It was the worst moment of my life. My husband looked was hurt and in pain. All I could think of was the future we were planning for wasn't going to happen now. Nothing would be the way it was suppose to be. My whole life just changed in a blink of an eye again, this time it wasn't a happy turn. I feel hurt and lost and angry. I feel as if I lost a piece of myself because I have. I had a life growing inside of me, and now i don't. It hurts so much.
    Nothing anyone's said as make me feel better. I've heard it's God's will. I've heard how at least I didn't get loss the baby later in my pregnancy. How is that suppose to make me feel better? I had a baby growing in me and now I don't. I was going to be a mom and now I'm not.  My life has completely changed and no one but my husband seems to realize that we lost an important part of us. No matter how far along you are, it still hurts. And I'm told i'm lucky it happened early instead of later. Let's just cut the bs. I'm not lucky. Lucky would be getting to keep my baby, getting to feel my baby kick, and getting to meet my baby.

     

[triangelmom]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have had three losses myself and I have some idea of what you are going through. I too heard that it was better to lose the pregnancy sooner than later and it was God's will and I was 'lucky.' These are all insignificant words to you and to me and to grieving parents out there as there is no 'better' way about losing a baby we were looking forward to loving and knowing and nurturing. You have suffered a very real loss and you need to mourn and grieve it and you need to be validated by those around you and not feel that your loss is anything less than what it is. Your life completely changed from the moment you heard that you had lost your baby and you will never be the same. You will be able to move forward but you will never 'be over' your loss. I am here if you ever want to talk.

[monkeygirl]

I heard all of those things too, and they hurt. I did not want to hear from anyone it was God's will. If this is such a loving and caring God, then he would have known how much my baby would have been loved by me and my boyfriend. I finally told people to stop telling me that. I also heard it's easier earlier. For who? I was very much in tune with my baby. It was my little Junebug because it's due date was June 3rd.

I feel like a failure right now. No matter what the doctor's say, I feel like I failed this baby and my boyfriend. I feel like it was my job to grow that little baby and I didn't do it. And when I was bleeding, every time I went to the bathroom I broke down. My 9 year old was on fall break and my boyfriend never left my side, which was great of him, but I finally got a few moments to myself to grieve this morning. To let the anger out, to scream, to cry.... Everything, I've been wanting to do since October 8th.

I am so, so, sorry right now. Everything you are feeling is right. Take your time, go through the entire grieving process. I still feel that hole in my heart, but each day it's maybe a fraction better. Know, you are not alone.