Post by Miriah on Mar 22, 2015 12:45:00 GMT -5
I'm not actually a new member just started a new profile because I forgot my password and shut down my old email. Icam on here after I had my first miscarriage in 2011 at 5 weeks. My second was 6 days ago at 12 weeks. It was awful. I'm still mentally in shock from seeing the baby and from what I went through physically. The first miscarriage was hard enough emotionally but physically it was like a bad period.
Here's what happened.
I was in pain but talked to my doctor and he said it was probably just from my uterus growing, and even if it was a miscarriage there isn't anything they can do. The next day I was in really bad pain so I knew something was wrong. I called my husband to come home from work, called my grandma for a ride (I was in too much pain to drive) and called my kids (7yr and 5yr) out of school so I wouldn't have to worry about who was picking them up later. I was having contractions. One was extremely painful and then I felt something burt inside me. That feeling haunts me, its stuck in my head like a scary image. I didn't know a physical sensation could be stuck in my head like that. I called an ambulance and then realized my water had broken. I knew the pregnancy was over.
I calmly explained to the kids that grandma was coming to watch them while I went to the hospital because I didn't feel well. I started to bleed so I packed a hospital bag and called my husband. The ambulance got here. I sent my kids to play in their room and told the paramedics what was happening. My grandma got there, I kissed the kids goodbye and got on the stretcher out side so the kids wouldn't be worried. My husband showed up with red puffy eyes. He never cries.He followed us to the hospital. On the ride I joked with the paramedics in between contractions. I was trying not to think about it, to stay calm so i could deal with the physical pain. I bled through an overnight pad, my cloths, and the sheets in the 15 minutes it took us to get to the hospital.
At the hospital:
My mom was there. A woman came in to do a sonogram. She hadn't been told what was happening so I informed her that she needed to confirm my baby was dead so they could give me morphine. She looked very upset. She found the baby and said there was no heartbeat and the baby should pass anytime. She rushed out of the room looking like she was about to cry. The pain was excruciating. It was just as painful as giving birth (but without the pushing). After 4 1/2 hours I felt something come out of me. I knew what it was but when I reached down (without looking) to pick baby up I could feel arms and legs. That's the other sensation that's stuck in my head. Baby was a few inches long, she fit across the palm of my hand. She had see through skin and tiny bones. A few hours later I rinsed her off and was alarmed by how soft her skull was when I touched it. I layed her on gauze pads in a small container, told her I'm sorry I couldn't help her but I know she's ok now, said goodbye, and wrapped the container in fabric so I couldn't see her. I wish I had done this right away because by the time I did it she was cold and the blood had started to pool on one side of her tiny body. After she was "born" the labor pain continued for hours. I assume this is because I hadn't passed the placenta but I don't know. I was scared to do a D&C but the doctor said I was bleeding pretty badly and if we didn't do it soon I would need a transfusion. They took me in an operating room and told me to count to 5. I prayed then woke up in recovery 1/2 hour later. The whole thing lasted 12 hours.
Afterwords:
I called in a to go order to Applebees and went home and ate steak and potatoes and went to bed. For the next 2 days I was pretty much fine. I was in shock emotionally. This was confusing for my husband and made things more difficult on him emotionally. I have periods of intense pain and of depression but I'm doing well emotionally given the circumstances. It's not because I'm not sad. It's because I've had years to encourage myself about the last baby being in heaven and knowing I'll see him again. Last year my husband had an affair which was a lot more painful then this so I have experience recently dealing with tragedy, and my faith in God has become very strong. Someone made a rude comment about it being weird that I'm doing so well. I'm handling my emotions well but I'm devastated. I also can't help but be grateful that my husband is walking through this with me. He wasn't attached to the last baby and was mean to me when I miscarried. After years of a crappy marriage and almost divorcing him last year I can't get over now how glad I am that he's so completely changed, so emotionally involved, talking about trusting God, loving and supportive and attentive to my needs. He's talking about how he feels and he's crying! It's amazing. It's like he's a whole new person. I know its an awful situation but how can I not be happy about that?! And how can people shame me for not being all weepy?! I like to share my feelings but obviously not with everyone. I can smile and joke and make small talk no matter how much I'm hurting. I had bad panic attacks last year and the few times I couldn't hide them I played them off as physical pain.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
When I was open about how upset I was over the last miscarriage I got comments like "You were only 5 weeks" "I don't understand why you can't be happy about the kids you have." "Do we have to hear about this? Can't we just have a good time?" and "You need to choose to get over it."
This time I'm not upset enough. What's the difference?! Is it because I was further along so now it's socially acceptable to be upset?! I kind of hate people.
Here's what happened.
I was in pain but talked to my doctor and he said it was probably just from my uterus growing, and even if it was a miscarriage there isn't anything they can do. The next day I was in really bad pain so I knew something was wrong. I called my husband to come home from work, called my grandma for a ride (I was in too much pain to drive) and called my kids (7yr and 5yr) out of school so I wouldn't have to worry about who was picking them up later. I was having contractions. One was extremely painful and then I felt something burt inside me. That feeling haunts me, its stuck in my head like a scary image. I didn't know a physical sensation could be stuck in my head like that. I called an ambulance and then realized my water had broken. I knew the pregnancy was over.
I calmly explained to the kids that grandma was coming to watch them while I went to the hospital because I didn't feel well. I started to bleed so I packed a hospital bag and called my husband. The ambulance got here. I sent my kids to play in their room and told the paramedics what was happening. My grandma got there, I kissed the kids goodbye and got on the stretcher out side so the kids wouldn't be worried. My husband showed up with red puffy eyes. He never cries.He followed us to the hospital. On the ride I joked with the paramedics in between contractions. I was trying not to think about it, to stay calm so i could deal with the physical pain. I bled through an overnight pad, my cloths, and the sheets in the 15 minutes it took us to get to the hospital.
At the hospital:
My mom was there. A woman came in to do a sonogram. She hadn't been told what was happening so I informed her that she needed to confirm my baby was dead so they could give me morphine. She looked very upset. She found the baby and said there was no heartbeat and the baby should pass anytime. She rushed out of the room looking like she was about to cry. The pain was excruciating. It was just as painful as giving birth (but without the pushing). After 4 1/2 hours I felt something come out of me. I knew what it was but when I reached down (without looking) to pick baby up I could feel arms and legs. That's the other sensation that's stuck in my head. Baby was a few inches long, she fit across the palm of my hand. She had see through skin and tiny bones. A few hours later I rinsed her off and was alarmed by how soft her skull was when I touched it. I layed her on gauze pads in a small container, told her I'm sorry I couldn't help her but I know she's ok now, said goodbye, and wrapped the container in fabric so I couldn't see her. I wish I had done this right away because by the time I did it she was cold and the blood had started to pool on one side of her tiny body. After she was "born" the labor pain continued for hours. I assume this is because I hadn't passed the placenta but I don't know. I was scared to do a D&C but the doctor said I was bleeding pretty badly and if we didn't do it soon I would need a transfusion. They took me in an operating room and told me to count to 5. I prayed then woke up in recovery 1/2 hour later. The whole thing lasted 12 hours.
Afterwords:
I called in a to go order to Applebees and went home and ate steak and potatoes and went to bed. For the next 2 days I was pretty much fine. I was in shock emotionally. This was confusing for my husband and made things more difficult on him emotionally. I have periods of intense pain and of depression but I'm doing well emotionally given the circumstances. It's not because I'm not sad. It's because I've had years to encourage myself about the last baby being in heaven and knowing I'll see him again. Last year my husband had an affair which was a lot more painful then this so I have experience recently dealing with tragedy, and my faith in God has become very strong. Someone made a rude comment about it being weird that I'm doing so well. I'm handling my emotions well but I'm devastated. I also can't help but be grateful that my husband is walking through this with me. He wasn't attached to the last baby and was mean to me when I miscarried. After years of a crappy marriage and almost divorcing him last year I can't get over now how glad I am that he's so completely changed, so emotionally involved, talking about trusting God, loving and supportive and attentive to my needs. He's talking about how he feels and he's crying! It's amazing. It's like he's a whole new person. I know its an awful situation but how can I not be happy about that?! And how can people shame me for not being all weepy?! I like to share my feelings but obviously not with everyone. I can smile and joke and make small talk no matter how much I'm hurting. I had bad panic attacks last year and the few times I couldn't hide them I played them off as physical pain.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
When I was open about how upset I was over the last miscarriage I got comments like "You were only 5 weeks" "I don't understand why you can't be happy about the kids you have." "Do we have to hear about this? Can't we just have a good time?" and "You need to choose to get over it."
This time I'm not upset enough. What's the difference?! Is it because I was further along so now it's socially acceptable to be upset?! I kind of hate people.
