The waiting game - waiting for MC to begin

[bebeb83]

More on my particular story is below - but first I had a question for those who have been through a natural miscarriage before. What are some of the very earliest signs of miscarriage that you noticed, apart from spotting/bleeding? Did constipation let up? You felt less tired/"less pregnant"? And how long after those very early hints did you start bleeding?

This is my first pregnancy (I'm 31).  I thought we were 9 weeks as of yesterday (I don't think the date could have been off unless I ovulated at a funny time - I tracked all my periods in a smartphone app and had several regular cycles on the books leading up to conception). I had had two blood draws during week 8 to check my HCG. The first was low but within the normal (i.e. extremely broad) range. The second did not show the jump the midwife was expecting to see with a healthy pregnancy, so she voiced some concern and suggested we do another blood test. All along I had not been feeling super "pregnant" - I had been very tired, had sore and tender breasts (a few weeks prior they were very tender and painful) but those symptoms seemed to ease up in week 8. In fact, at the beginning of this week (week 9) I felt great. Too great. I never at any point really felt nausea - maybe once in week 6 or 7 for an hour or so, very mildly. I thought I was just lucky.

Anyway, we opted to just have an US yesterday (external and vaginal). The tech didn't say anything during the US. After doing some reading online after the fact I realize this is to be expected as most can't comment one way or the other but at the time it was incredibly anxiety-inducing. Not like what you see in the movies, where the friendly tech lights up the monitor with your baby's heartbeat in a nice sunlit exam room! Luckily the radiologist office where we had the US was right next door to my midwife's office. We waited for what felt like hours for the midwife to get the results and chat with us. I knew something was wrong as soon as she led us into the consultation room - she so gently put her hand on my arm and just had this look about her face that said she had bad news.  They explained that the ultrasound had shown a yolk sac and fetal pole but that no heartbeat was detected. The baby measured about 8 weeks, and they were uncertain there ever was a heartbeat. I could expect to miscarry and should plan now.

We were devastated - more than anything, my husband was SO excited and optimistic (I'm the cautious, negative Nancy half) and I feel like I've let him down in some way. I know it's not my fault and there was nothing either of us could have done, and he is being incredibly supportive and doing his best to make this about my needs and well-being and not his. But the guilt I have at being unable to give him what he was so happy to have is the worst part of this whole ordeal. It's also been hard because I'd been quite ambivalent about motherhood - I'd love to be a mom but understood if it wasn't in the cards, and kind of had a come-what-may attitude to the whole thing. We had already agreed if things didn't happen naturally we wouldn't pursue fertility treatments or anything like that, but might consider adoption (this is way down the road). Even when we had a positive pregnancy test I was very cautiously optimistic. I only began to get excited and think this had a real possibility of yielding an actual child over the last week or two, starting to give it nicknames, daydreaming about the future and catching myself absentmindedly placing my hands on my belly. Luckily we didn't tell too many people, just our closest family and a couple of friends. 

The other thing that is driving me crazy - hence my initial question above - is that I haven't yet had any bleeding, not even spotting during the pregnancy. I'm hating the uncertainty and just want to put this behind me and move on - and it sounds silly, but with the holidays coming up, I'd really like to get it over with. I'm hoping to naturally miscarry sometime over the next week, but on Monday I'll probably call to schedule a confirmation US and D&C (looked up what that acronym stood for - understand why everyone prefers to use the shorthand!) for the following week before Christmas just to have the security of the back-up. I don't know that I could wait around much longer in this state of limbo, and last year's holidays were incredibly sad due to deaths and separations in the family. I don't know how I would handle another crappy Christmas. Anyway, this is why I ask about any earlier symptoms of miscarriage - something that might let me know that it looks like nature will take its course soon just to ease my mind a bit. I know it can take weeks for the body to even recognize the pregnancy is not viable, but I know everyone is different, too. One thing I can say - and this may be TMI - is that I have been having much more frequent bowel movements over the last couple days (this coming from someone who is typically cyclically constipated). I'm hoping this is a good sign of things moving along, but know it might just be coincidental, too.

[bebeb83]

Well, I decided not to wait any longer with the holidays approaching - I just couldn't face going through a miscarriage over Christmas. As of yesterday I still had not had any indication that things were going to progress on their own. I know many women wait much longer, but according to the u/s it had been a couple of weeks since I had lost the baby.

On Monday I made some phone calls and got in touch with an OB recommended by my midwife. It was hectic but they were able to organize his schedule to see me for one last ultrasound and pre-op consultation. I was already feeling relieved just that I'd be on the schedule and get to talk to someone, and then in the waiting room at his office I overheard that he had to rush out for an emergency C-section and they'd have to move all of his appointments around. I nearly cried sitting there surrounded by healthily pregnant women - what a rollercoaster. Luckily the c-section turned out to not be an emergency, so he was able to see me after all. The ultrasound confirmed there was no heartbeat once again; but he at least showed me what was on the monitor and talked me through what he was seeing, which was a comfort. 

Just wanted to share my D&C experience so far here in case it helps someone else - 

I've had surgery once before in the same hospital and had a good experience; all of the nurses and doctors are extremely accommodating and comforting. I was still very nervous though - I was scared at the idea of having to get up on some table in the OR and put my legs or feet up in stirrups before even being put under anesthesia, but those fears turned out to be totally unfounded. I was comfortably asleep lying flat on the stretcher before the doctor even came into the room, and I woke up on the way to the recovery room (the first surgery I had, I woke up in the OR at the very end of the surgery, which was a little weird). It really felt as though I had just slept peacefully through the entire thing and I felt a huge amount of relief. 

I went in at 7:30 for pre-op registration and was in the pre-op area in my gown by around 8:15. The doctor stopped by to say he thought we could get done early since he was ready to get started and the OR room was empty, so I think we started earlier than my scheduled surgery time. By the time they wheeled me into the room they had started some relaxer drug in my IV so I was already a little bit out of it.

Recovery in the hospital was slower than I remember - mind you, it is an outpatient procedure and very minor by surgical standards so it's not like I was in there for hours. But I did feel much groggier than I had last time. I was a little loopy and out of it most of the afternoon, I slept most of the day. They had given me pain meds in my IV at the hospital so I didn't feel any pain until late afternoon when they started to wear off - even then it was minor and more of a discomfort than anything. I took 2 percosets 4 hours apart but this morning haven't felt I needed them. I took a couple ibuprofen instead and have felt fine. Bleeding wise, it was very light in the hospital right after the procedure. It also stings when you pee the first couple of times (I think they insert a catheter while you're under), but that goes away. Today there has been a little more bleeding but nothing bad. The nurses said not to be concerned unless, like a natural miscarriage, you start soaking a super pad every hour. I'm still pretty tired today but overall feel relieved - I think having the D&C, while it doesn't really make the sad aspect of the whole thing go away, does at least alleviate physical concerns about when and how a natural miscarriage would happen and whether or not you'd end up needing the D&C anyway if not everything is passed. I feel much more myself now that I'm at least able to put this part of the process behind me.

Hope this is helpful to anyone going through a similar situation. In my opinion based on 1 day post-op, I'd say the D&C is a good option.