My first and maybe my last miscarriage

[indyrocker21]

I'm 33 and have several health issues, which would put me and a baby at higher risk. I have Gastroparesis, which is a paralysis in my stomach that causes foods to not digest well or at a normal speed; this results in my inability to eat and digest many healthy foods unless I want to run the likelihood of nausea and vomiting. This disorder would leave me and a baby with poor nutrition. Secondly, I have history of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) and Pulmonary Embolism (PE). Because of the history of blood clots in my leg and lungs, I've been put on Coumadin, a blood thinner that has negative effects on fetuses, such as deformities. I have to be on a blood thinner for life, and it's been STRONGLY advised that I NOT get pregnant while on Coumadin.

So, what happened?? I unintentionally became pregnant on Coumadin. As soon as I found out I was pregnant 1.5 weeks ago, i called the doctor who advised me to stop Coumadin and put me on Lovinox blood thinning injections. I had 4 days to be worried and doing research on Coumadin effects before I began to miscarry. My miscarriage lasted another 5 days. I finished miscarrying just 3 days ago, but I'm feeling sooooo many emotions--relief, loss, heartache, etc.

Rationally, it's probably best that I miscarried and that I NOT pursue attempting to get pregnant again, based on my health issues. After all, there's a good likelihood that there will be complications, that I could die, that the baby could die, or that the baby will carry the genetic predisposition for clotting disorders. Emotionally, I feel too much to describe. I especially feel so sad about all the things I will miss with this child. I've ALWAYS wanted to birth a child, to have a "mini me," so to speak. I've wanted to have all those "firsts" with a kid--first smile, first step, first of every holiday, etc. I've had names picked out for years--Gabriella Adelle or Alexander James. I'd love to dress my child up every day and love it like it deserves...rock it to sleep every night...

I'm torn up with what could have been, PLUS the reality of what was for just a moment. I was pregnant...after years of unprotected sex, I didn't even believe I could GET pregnant. And here I was just a mere 1.5 weeks ago staring at a positive test, then going back repeatedly to see if it had changed. I didn't have time to even wrap my head around my pregnancy before it was gone, painfully and abruptly.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this. Perhaps to process, perhaps to get feedback, perhaps to memorialize my unborn child. All I know is I'm lost with what to do now and what I want for my future--to try to have a baby despite heightened risks or to get my tubes tied and kill the dream.

[libralise]

I am so sorry to read what you are going through right now.  And I am so glad that you found us here.  I am glad that you wrote what you did because it is such a burden, such an emotional and exhausting toll, to carry it all on our own.  Gabriella Adelle and Alexander James are absolutely beautiful names.  They sound angelic to me.  Your descriptions of your longings for a child of your own, and your descriptions of the activities you wish that you were able to do, poignantly described your desire to be a mother.  My dear, you are a mother.  Even if you only knew you were pregnant for four days, those were four days of disbelief and wonderings and fear for your baby's health.  Your baby was with you and always will be with you.  You have very difficult decisions that you need to make, I see that and can appreciate what seems to be looming ahead for you.  But in this moment give yourself some credit and give yourself the time and space to grieve this baby.  Grieve this loss.   As you grieve this baby, know that I am sending you love and strength.  Would you consider naming this baby?  I named my two miscarried babies and doing so, even though I did not "know" the gender, helped me to visualize them as little children.  It helped me feel closer to them.  You mentioned having made your post as commemorative for your baby.  I have a piece of jewellery that I often wear and that is dear to me.  Wearing the jewellery provides comfort to me.  I wonder if you could find an item that stands out in honour of your beloved baby?

October is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss awareness month, and October 15th is the official Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Day.  Particularly as your experience is so fresh and raw, you would maybe find comfort in the solidarity provided through different ceremonies on that day.  Different cities put on different events.  Sometimes they are butterfly releases, sometimes they are candlelight vigils.   Visiting this website or attending a support group meeting, or a ceremony on the 15th, can help you realize that you are not alone in your grief.  There are networks of people who have gone through miscarriage and ache at the thought of others embarking on the post-loss journey.  As you are embarking on yours, be kind to yourself, talk to supportive people, and know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

xoxx