I just want my baby

[jenn1225]

We were 14weeks and 5 days, I went to my OB appt and they couldn't get a heart beat with the Doppler and said we'll just wait until your next appt, baby is little and prob hiding. I asked for a scan "just in case" when we got to the fetal maternal medicine office they put the wand on my belly. I was searching for some type of movement and saw none, they put the wand on Doppler to listen for a heart rate.  The line was totally flat, I burst in to tears. My husband squeezed my hand....the tech handed me a box of tissues and said "I'm sorry, your baby is dead." Ever since that day I just feel broken sadness. Nothing feels the same. They did the first d&e, I still had retained tissue so they gave me  Cytotec last week. I go in Monday to ensure everything is out.  I just want to hold my baby, I just wish this was all a bad dream and I could wake up. 

[libralise]

Dear Jen, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. Losing your baby is so heartbreaking and dream-crushing, I am so sorry that you and your husband are walking this path right now. I have lost two babies myself and it is grief that is so often not understood until it is experienced first hand. As I moved further along in my grieving I found that naming my babies and creating commemorative items (I wear a locket) were helpful healing tools for me. The naming helped me feel closer to them and helped me to visualize them as a little boy and a little girl. I almost always wear the jewellery, I am really attached to it. Do you have a good support system? I am sending you love and prayers Jen. xoxx