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Post by mellovesado on Jun 2, 2014 21:59:10 GMT -5
I am 21 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. I went for a routine check up this week and the hospital told me they couldn't find her heart beat. I am so heartbroken, I can't eat, sleep or think straight. I went for another scan just hoping a praying that they were wrong, but sadly she has passed. It doesn't feel real, I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I just want someone to wake me up already. I went to talk to the doctor today, to tell me my options. I have decided to wait for labour to come on naturally, I don't know if this is the right choice. I don't want to be induced knowing that I could be waiting at the hospital for days on the labour ward with all the other mums having their beautiful healthy babies, when I know mine will never take her first breath. I have had 4 other pregnancy, I have 3 amazing happy healthy kids and I lost twins at 31 weeks in 2011. I have had c-section with all 4 pregnancy and have no idea what labour feels like, I'm scared and don't know what to expect. This time last week I was the happiest I had ever been, it took me nearly 3 years to know what true happiness felt like again after I lost the twins. I suffered server depression, anxiety and even attempted suicide. I had a gorgeous little girl in 2013, my pregnancy with her was very complicated and I found that I couldn't get excited about the pregnancy cause I was so scared of losing her after the twins. When I fell pregnant this time I was so excited, I was picturing our future, I was enjoying getting fat, I felt like I had so much to look forward to. I now feel like my world has been turned upside down again, i have so much heart ache in front of me, delivering the baby, making funeral arrangements. Feel like I'm back at square one, I have an amazing supportive partner,. Who I can't be thankful enough for. He supports all my decisions as he just wants me to be happy but I think he wishes that I chose to be induced. Any advice would be great
RIP my beautiful angel Ellie xxx
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Post by libralise on Jun 3, 2014 19:59:26 GMT -5
Awe my dear, my heart is just aching for you and goes out to you. I am so absolutely sorry for what you are going through right now. I feel like I cannot really offer specific advice in regards to your situation because I have not had similar experiences - I miscarried early on both my of times, and though I grieved sorely, I don't think my pain could compare to the magnitude of yours my dear. I am so sorry for the sadness that has been brought your way. I am glad to hear that your partner is supportive. His possible wish for you to be induced could be him thinking that would be easier perhaps - only you know and can decide whether it actually would or would not be.
I have been having a very difficult time in my life and I do not know what your walk with God has been like, but I recently began praying and have found it has made such a difference in my life. I am going to pray for you. I am going to meditate on you and your pain and also on your joys. You are in my thoughts, and my heart feels heavy for you.
You are a wonderful woman, a wonderful mother, a beautiful spirit. Be easy on your blessed soul. Much love.
xoxx
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Post by mellovesado on Jun 4, 2014 10:19:03 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your support and kind words, they are very much appreciated. RIP to your 2 angels, no matter how short their precious little lives were they touch a mother's heart and when they go it leaves the heart in pieces. I am so lucky to have my partner, he is truly amazing. I met him shortly after I lost the twins and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here, he saved my life. I know that everything he suggests or tries to steer me towards he does cause he believes it is the best for me, but he always leaves the final decision up to me and what I feel comfortable with.
I'm sorry you've been having a tough time, is it anything you'd like to talk about? I'm always here to listen. God and I aren't on very good terms at the moment, while I thank you for your prayers, I highly doubt that God is going to listen, after I found out I lost Ellie the other day I called God every name under the sun and told him where to go. I mean no disrespect to you and I am glad you have found praying helps. I have been raised a catholic my whole life, private school, church, but to be honest I am really starting to doubt there is a god. On the other hand I want to believe with all my heart that my babies have gone to a better place. Just so hard to believe when innocent lives are taken, when there are so many parents who are good people in the world that are grieving for their children. So many kids suffering from sickness or abuse, no child deserves that, no parent should have to say goodbye and bury their child. If there is a god why does he take precious lives from loving parents but allow pure innocent lives I to be born into abusive and negative families? I hope one day my faith is restored.
Thank you again for your post, I hope to hear from you soon. Xxx
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Post by libralise on Jun 6, 2014 7:37:10 GMT -5
I think it takes a special kind of person to ask about another's pain when she is so deep in her own - thank you for inquiring and saying you are here to listen. I am 'ok', I am where I need to be I know that and I know that the right decision has been made, but it has been an incredibly difficult few years and my husband and I separated a few months ago. When I mention God I do not mean to be preachy at all - in fact, and this may raise eyebrows, I even feel embarrassed when I tell people 'I found God and praying helps." The fact that I find it embarrassing to admit to most people shows to me that I don't even fully understand what my relationship with Her is - I just know that I found Her, and it has made such a difference. It was on the advice of an older friend who I turned to because I am not yet 30 and have no friends who have gone through divorce. My friend Martha did, and then went through a three year depression. Her advice was along the lines of this: 'I don't know what your walk with God has been like, but you can have friends texting and calling and saying they love you and are there for you but when you are sitting on the floor with the kids (I have two little boys, 3 years and 9 months) and you have that awful sick feeling in your stomach, and when your head feels so thick that it scares you, turning to God was the only thing that got me through". And I was doing sooooo poorly, I felt so utterly awful at this point, that I thought 'What the heck can I lose?". I put post it notes up that said 'Think only positive forward moving thoughts, and if you cannot, then think gratitude". So when I felt totally awful and I couldn't get myself out of it I would pray to God and list all the things in my life that I was grateful for. When I started to feel a tad better from that list and had distracted myself from the awful things I was thinking about, I would pray. And I couldn't believe it, but it worked. Gradually the amount of time it took to get myself out of the negative thinking trap - the process of gratitude and then prayer, decreased... I used to be much more spiritual but understood it as a connection with the universe, and the energies that we send out, etc... But the morning that I had my second miscarriage I lost myself and that connection and that spirituality and I am only just getting it back now, intensified, and it has made all the difference.
So when I said I would pray for you this is what I did. I approached my riverside bench with a heavy and hungry heart. Oh I just feel as though I have been spiritually and physically beaten this past week (its been a really hard week). I sat down with the intention of praying for myself, for you, and for my friend who had gruesomely awful dreams the night before. First I just focused on the fact that we are all in pain, and I wept, because I figure if I want to alleviate that pain I need to feel some of it. So I wept right there on the park bench (Alanis Morrissette sings of 'how about unabashedly balling your eyes out'). I then directed my thoughts and my energy to envisioning us happy - for me and my friend it meant us laying on the beach in the warm sun; then him just surrounded my bright light and I thought of you in that way too; and then I thought of all of us just 'happy' - whatever it is that 'happy' for us would be. Even after all this time truth be told I still felt pretty awful - there had been some reprieve during the visions but I still felt immensely heavy and beat down. I then just prayed out loud, and just kept saying 'Please give strength, healing, and peace'. When I was finally done, I walked home and KNOW I felt lighter and better and happier. I thought to myself 'Oh that worked for me". I don't see it as all prayer but also meditation and just thinking 'love' that made the difference - though someone may say to me 'That is all prayer' I don't know, but it works for me.
I don't know the answers to your questions, I truly don't. I'm sorry because I know there is significant pain in your life and it is a pain for which the 'whys?" cannot be understood. I at this point don't even want to attempt to understand it because I am very much just keeping my head above water, and simply making use of what works for me right now.
I do believe in heaven. And I do believe in angels. And the other night I walked into my baby's room and to his crib and I walked into and stopped in a great source of heat - the floor was totally warm, where there was no reason for it to be. The heat was not on, there was no source for increased temperature. The heated area was right where one would stand to peer in and gaze at Russell's sweet little head. And my immediate thought was that an angel or a loving spirit had been standing watch. On Sunday, feeling vulnerable and extra-sensitive, I turned on to a little country road and asked God or the universe (I am not sure who I asked, I simply asked out loud) for an animal encounter and within one minute I saw right in front of me on the road - a mother turkey with plenty little baby turkeys walking behind her. After my bench session where I prayed for you the other day, I was walking home and noticed a wild flower patch across the street that I had never noticed before. I picked two enormous bouquets, one for me and one for my friend, and the whole time I was doing so little while butterflies were fluttering around me. The point of this is that love, peace, God, positive energy - it all seems to be around me even though there is soooooooooooooo much sadness and darkness. I just have to be open to it.
I awoke this morning at 5:30 and there was a still-frame in my mind: A picture and I believe there were flowers in it, whether in a vase or garden I am not sure but it was a pretty picture just sitting there in my mind and the message with the picture (that I 'felt', its hard to explain because there was not words written at all, there just was a feeling or an understanding with the image' was that "You are going to be ok". And I thought to myself 'How wonderful that I can awake and that image just be THERE for me, I didn't meditate to bring that up, it was there on its own - from God, or the universe? I am not sure. I just know I am thankful for it. And if it is ok with you, I will continue to focus on you in my beloved bench sessions.
I have a little house in a little town just up the street from a river. When I go to bed at night I can hear the water crushing through the dam. Whenever the kids are with their dad, I go and sit on my beloved bench. I walk to the bench but in my head I am actually skipping to it, excitedly anticipating what awaits me there.
It is going to be a beautiful day. I don't actually know that to be true hahahaha, so much sadness, but I am putting the conscious thought and hope out there that I am going to have a beautiful day and I putting it out there for you too my dear.
Much love, xoxx
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