Post by springtimebabe on Nov 13, 2013 4:47:35 GMT -5
I had 2 sons that were 5 years and 3 months apart. Then in 9/02 I suffered a missed m/c at 12 weeks. I recovered physically enough to get pg again and have another baby which is my only daughter. Divorces and custody battles over my l/c started in 2005. It was the most treacherous time of my entire life up until that point. Losing a child and 2 ex husbands trying to gain custody of my precious children. One of them had a wife that had a son when they got married. She suffered from infertility. When the final verdict came in that she and my ex would never be able to have a child together, they tried to steal my son in the most dishonest and cruel ways. Nothing was gained except lots of $ in 2 lawyers pockets. His wife is now his ex wife over having a complete mental breakdown. She was the driving force behind all of the motions and now she is out of everyone's lives. My ex is open with me and my son, now 17 1/2 is a hard working senior in high school and planning on attending college and joining the Navy after he completes 2-4 years of college so he can have a career in the US Military. My ex that I had my 2nd and 3rd l/c with was physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abusive. Getting away from him after I was hurt in a car accident was hard. He alienated me from my children and is still trying so hard. No permanent custody arrangement has been determined since 2007.
Going back to 2007, I met a man that is now my husband and father to my 4th child. He is the absolute miracle baby! He is now in Preschool and my oldest is finishing H.S. I am 42 years-old now.
I had several pregnancy losses between 2007 and 2010. 3 were blighted ovums or extremely early losses that were at times that were not good times due to circumstances. A lot of people here challenged me stating that my losses were not real. Well, they were real to me and to my husband. I had a loss in my first trimester in 12.08, a loss in 6/09 - just 2 days after I got my BFP. I had an ectopic pg in late Aug. 2009 when my pg was going really well and my hcg was up to 22,000 and my progesterone was within a normal healthy range. I had to have surgery and the ob surgeon was able to (I hate to even say this) "remove" my baby from my right fallopian tube and spare my tube albeit it was damaged. Then, in Nov. 2009 I got a BFP and my husband and I were going through rough times in our relationship. We split up temporarily and that was until we found out I was pregnant with twins. I was late for my first u/s because of stress and having to switch doctors. Late in Dec. an u/s revealed that the 2 gestational sacs were there but no heartbeats were detected and the m/c was confirmed with blood work...I miscarried after waiting 1 full month .... surgery was too dangerous after having 2 surgeries in recent months. It was horrific. We got back together after being apart for 4 weeks. I got pregnant again in May 2010 and on June 13th 2010, I was rushed to the ER by ambulance after fainting. The dx was another ectopic on my left side and I lost my baby and my left fallopian tube ruptured so it was surgically removed. The grief was all-consuming during all of this. We realize that we should have prevented pregnancies to give my body a chance to heal and work through our grief. Instead, we focused on attempting to heal our grief by TTC to get our "rainbow baby" as some people refer to a baby after a loss or losses.
Time went by, we were forced to accept our losses and that we would never have a l/c between the two of us. I was angry at God and I went off about my disgust with God and I attacked people for things that only a women strangled in grief would do. I was wrong but I found SG to be a place to support from my first loss, during my pregnancy after my first loss, spent time on moms after loss and moved back into I had more than one miscarriage and even at one point there was I had a ectopic pregnancy board here. I made and lost friends here. I was also sexually assaulted early in my last pregnancy and went through tremendous stress when I should have been enjoying my first pregnancy in years that wasn't lost in the first trimester and all was going well except for my gallbladder attacks. I am not here to address those senseless dramas. I am posting this that there is not always a baby after pregnancy losses and sometimes there can be. It was not until I fully had peace within myself, with my husband and with God that we were done that God blessed us with our young son. Pushing my body in my late 30's and into my 40th year was hard and at times I am totally drained. I am not the young mom able to juggle a million things at once. I have never had my "tube" tied but after breastfeeding for over a year and entering my early 40's and no time or energy left to even have enough bd'ing for me to conceive again. When I first had my son in 2011, I felt some urgency to get pregnant while I felt like I was on some winning streak. Well, I breastfed quite a while instead and didn't resume having anything close to a normal cycle until last Fall. We never conceived again and if we get to be together 1x per week, we're doing great. We're both so tired and have different schedules. Dh does shift work and he works mainly the 3rd shift...ugh. Trying to keep this house quiet so he can sleep during the day is a challenge!
God oversaw all of these life events and one by one has answered my prayers in so many aspects of my life and family building. We are a complete family now although we are not the traditional family by any means. We may "appear" to be a large family when we are all together....Sometimes, we are all split apart due to visitation arrangements and our school and work schedules. I even have a 13 yr-old step daughter that is deeply troubled. Her grandparents have primary custody of her and we are working with her. Her mom has problems with addictions and is never consistent. We even had to call the police because she tried to pick up her daughter from us drunk and high.
We have a wonderful Saint Bernard dog that just adds to the love around here and eases tension with her big gentle giant love.
I lived through all of this and at times I wanted nothing more than to drop dead when I felt depressed and cursed even. It's been 11 years and 2 months as of Monday that I had my first knowledge of my m/c and 1st d&c. You can survive. Sometimes it doesn't feel like you're living...it's like everything comes to a halt and you find yourself not eating, not getting out of bed, not wanting to leave the house. People will say and do things that set you back, infuriate you and hurt you deeply. Let God be your strength first and foremost! I used to get mad here when certain folks would tell me God was their only strength and how dare I say that God wasn't there and didn't care - I honest felt forsaken! It's human to struggle with your faith at times in life. Don't lean on your own strength because most likely you will run out and feel the isolation that only God can deliver you from. Be easy on your body. Be careful with your relationships and address your depression and grief when that time comes when you feel you are losing your mind.Yes, my last pg ended with a l/c in my arms but I was blessed...There was a time when it uncertain if we would have a successful pregnancy and give birth to a l/c. Always have hope and that includes understanding that a reasonable sense of hope is not always ending up with a l/c in your arms in each case. Sometimes it pure by the Grace of God that your grief with evolve into complete acceptance and in time God will help you with your wounds...He heals us and understands our pain and weeps with us. For me, each loss had a different level of pain involved. There was a time when I felt used to it (thought that at the time). No! It was me thinking of ttc again and not allowing myself to grieve. No one should even feel "used to" have losses of their babies! The grief adds up and I hope you find hope, comfort, strength, peace and courage from our Almighty God. This is not to evangelize anyone. I understand that some people are not religious or come from other spiritual angles. I am notorious here for announcing a lot of my disbelief in God and saying some hurtful things when I was going through the hardest times of my life. I am just happy that God is a forgiving God and if weren't for me accepting that God is in control, even when just the thought of that sounds horrible (when we suffer a loss for example) I would not have made it through all these years of stress, medical emergencies, the pain, the depression and the shock each time my pregnancies came to an end in a loss. God carried me the whole time even when I was renouncing Him...He never left me. I love my family, lots of my friends, my dog but God is my best friend and without Him, I cannot even imagine what it would be like now. I do look forward to the large welcoming committee that a few friends of mine and I refer to as our angel babies greeting us in Heaven. The memory and wonder will always be there though until we all meet up with God. Sorry for the length of this. I know there must be more typos and poor grammar than my eyes can focus on to edit. I hope my story from beginning to end touches someone in a good way and helps. I just felt the need to reach out and cover the events in the last decade+ late tonight. I don't visit here and I doubt I will be back unless I get a tug to write or check in on my heart.
God Bless all of you on your own unique journeys. Good-bye.
Going back to 2007, I met a man that is now my husband and father to my 4th child. He is the absolute miracle baby! He is now in Preschool and my oldest is finishing H.S. I am 42 years-old now.
I had several pregnancy losses between 2007 and 2010. 3 were blighted ovums or extremely early losses that were at times that were not good times due to circumstances. A lot of people here challenged me stating that my losses were not real. Well, they were real to me and to my husband. I had a loss in my first trimester in 12.08, a loss in 6/09 - just 2 days after I got my BFP. I had an ectopic pg in late Aug. 2009 when my pg was going really well and my hcg was up to 22,000 and my progesterone was within a normal healthy range. I had to have surgery and the ob surgeon was able to (I hate to even say this) "remove" my baby from my right fallopian tube and spare my tube albeit it was damaged. Then, in Nov. 2009 I got a BFP and my husband and I were going through rough times in our relationship. We split up temporarily and that was until we found out I was pregnant with twins. I was late for my first u/s because of stress and having to switch doctors. Late in Dec. an u/s revealed that the 2 gestational sacs were there but no heartbeats were detected and the m/c was confirmed with blood work...I miscarried after waiting 1 full month .... surgery was too dangerous after having 2 surgeries in recent months. It was horrific. We got back together after being apart for 4 weeks. I got pregnant again in May 2010 and on June 13th 2010, I was rushed to the ER by ambulance after fainting. The dx was another ectopic on my left side and I lost my baby and my left fallopian tube ruptured so it was surgically removed. The grief was all-consuming during all of this. We realize that we should have prevented pregnancies to give my body a chance to heal and work through our grief. Instead, we focused on attempting to heal our grief by TTC to get our "rainbow baby" as some people refer to a baby after a loss or losses.
Time went by, we were forced to accept our losses and that we would never have a l/c between the two of us. I was angry at God and I went off about my disgust with God and I attacked people for things that only a women strangled in grief would do. I was wrong but I found SG to be a place to support from my first loss, during my pregnancy after my first loss, spent time on moms after loss and moved back into I had more than one miscarriage and even at one point there was I had a ectopic pregnancy board here. I made and lost friends here. I was also sexually assaulted early in my last pregnancy and went through tremendous stress when I should have been enjoying my first pregnancy in years that wasn't lost in the first trimester and all was going well except for my gallbladder attacks. I am not here to address those senseless dramas. I am posting this that there is not always a baby after pregnancy losses and sometimes there can be. It was not until I fully had peace within myself, with my husband and with God that we were done that God blessed us with our young son. Pushing my body in my late 30's and into my 40th year was hard and at times I am totally drained. I am not the young mom able to juggle a million things at once. I have never had my "tube" tied but after breastfeeding for over a year and entering my early 40's and no time or energy left to even have enough bd'ing for me to conceive again. When I first had my son in 2011, I felt some urgency to get pregnant while I felt like I was on some winning streak. Well, I breastfed quite a while instead and didn't resume having anything close to a normal cycle until last Fall. We never conceived again and if we get to be together 1x per week, we're doing great. We're both so tired and have different schedules. Dh does shift work and he works mainly the 3rd shift...ugh. Trying to keep this house quiet so he can sleep during the day is a challenge!
God oversaw all of these life events and one by one has answered my prayers in so many aspects of my life and family building. We are a complete family now although we are not the traditional family by any means. We may "appear" to be a large family when we are all together....Sometimes, we are all split apart due to visitation arrangements and our school and work schedules. I even have a 13 yr-old step daughter that is deeply troubled. Her grandparents have primary custody of her and we are working with her. Her mom has problems with addictions and is never consistent. We even had to call the police because she tried to pick up her daughter from us drunk and high.
We have a wonderful Saint Bernard dog that just adds to the love around here and eases tension with her big gentle giant love.
I lived through all of this and at times I wanted nothing more than to drop dead when I felt depressed and cursed even. It's been 11 years and 2 months as of Monday that I had my first knowledge of my m/c and 1st d&c. You can survive. Sometimes it doesn't feel like you're living...it's like everything comes to a halt and you find yourself not eating, not getting out of bed, not wanting to leave the house. People will say and do things that set you back, infuriate you and hurt you deeply. Let God be your strength first and foremost! I used to get mad here when certain folks would tell me God was their only strength and how dare I say that God wasn't there and didn't care - I honest felt forsaken! It's human to struggle with your faith at times in life. Don't lean on your own strength because most likely you will run out and feel the isolation that only God can deliver you from. Be easy on your body. Be careful with your relationships and address your depression and grief when that time comes when you feel you are losing your mind.Yes, my last pg ended with a l/c in my arms but I was blessed...There was a time when it uncertain if we would have a successful pregnancy and give birth to a l/c. Always have hope and that includes understanding that a reasonable sense of hope is not always ending up with a l/c in your arms in each case. Sometimes it pure by the Grace of God that your grief with evolve into complete acceptance and in time God will help you with your wounds...He heals us and understands our pain and weeps with us. For me, each loss had a different level of pain involved. There was a time when I felt used to it (thought that at the time). No! It was me thinking of ttc again and not allowing myself to grieve. No one should even feel "used to" have losses of their babies! The grief adds up and I hope you find hope, comfort, strength, peace and courage from our Almighty God. This is not to evangelize anyone. I understand that some people are not religious or come from other spiritual angles. I am notorious here for announcing a lot of my disbelief in God and saying some hurtful things when I was going through the hardest times of my life. I am just happy that God is a forgiving God and if weren't for me accepting that God is in control, even when just the thought of that sounds horrible (when we suffer a loss for example) I would not have made it through all these years of stress, medical emergencies, the pain, the depression and the shock each time my pregnancies came to an end in a loss. God carried me the whole time even when I was renouncing Him...He never left me. I love my family, lots of my friends, my dog but God is my best friend and without Him, I cannot even imagine what it would be like now. I do look forward to the large welcoming committee that a few friends of mine and I refer to as our angel babies greeting us in Heaven. The memory and wonder will always be there though until we all meet up with God. Sorry for the length of this. I know there must be more typos and poor grammar than my eyes can focus on to edit. I hope my story from beginning to end touches someone in a good way and helps. I just felt the need to reach out and cover the events in the last decade+ late tonight. I don't visit here and I doubt I will be back unless I get a tug to write or check in on my heart.
God Bless all of you on your own unique journeys. Good-bye.
