More Pain/More Loss/(OT?)

[mom4ever]

I just cut and pasted part of my post on the TTGPAL board to here. I'm just not really sure where it fits, it may not fit here either, but it really hurts, and trying to deal IRL with this mostly by myself it so hard, i'm becoming easily angered, short and unable to deal, I think b/c i'm not dealing with what just happened because I feel like I won't be supported; i'm getting very not pretty...

..it seems everyone can have children one way or the other, just not me- Perhaps this absolutely amazed reaction i'm having is a reflection of my trying to deal with more loss- foggy loss- I don't even know where to turn for any support- forget most people IRL. - And I don't even know where to post about it here- -I just had AF last week after my body totally acted like it was pregnant, to the extreme, in every way possible, AF was very late for me, then AF was unusual- and not in a good way- more "extreme" shall we say...So... ..did I lose a baby that couldn't attach? Do I have a tubal pregnancy? Did I have a corpus luteum cyst that made my body go crazy with progesterone? (.., i'm currently on the hunt for a Dr. with a clue to at least help me physically)...I REALLY thought I was pregnant (TMI- but my breasts even grew a whole cup size-but went down again eventually after AF)
***AND at the same time I was having to review and heartbreakingly make the decision to turn down adopting 2 toddlers in my family- for their sake- because their mother would never let them attach to my DH and I and could wreak havoc in thier lives, which would create big problems for them. Literally had to let them go for their sake

I feel kind of like I lost 4 children, but I don't fit into any board here either- like some strange ultimately silent loss- (wow, ok, that ended up rambly- but mabye it's good that came out )

***To add fuel to the fire, I have a friend who is having her 3rd child, and won't take her bed rest seriously!!! It's driving me nuts!

[justlostanangel]

Oh, sweetie!! {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you!!! So much to deal with all at once!! You are to be commended for letting those todddlers go b/c it was what was best for them. I can't even began to imagine how your heart must be aching!! I hope that you find a dr soon who can help you sort out all those symptoms & AF problems! Also hope that you can find someone IRL to help you by letting you talk, or whatever you need to do. Keep posting here on SG; we're here for you!! Feel free to send a PM if you'd like....I've got all the time in the world! Be kind & gentle with yourself today, this week....& for however long this process takes.

[mom4ever]

Thank you so much! It's going to take a little while, but i'm dealing. Ouch. Didn't want to lose those precious babies. I did end up being able to speak with a friend who listened to me and understood for a loooooooong time (poor dear!), and here a bit, and my Aunt, who was hurting about it too and who lost her son. Nobody seemed to understand why she huuuurt like she did when he died for so long. We get each other- in a way the rest of my family can't (but I wouldn't talk to her at all until a few months ago, because if she specifically had rejected my grief, that would be too much- would have caused me some disorder).

I did finally cut myself a break, thank you for being so kind as to suggest so.