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Post by tillicheragain on Feb 24, 2006 0:49:44 GMT -5
As many of you know I am newly bereaved. We lost our first born daughter, Courtney Danielle Wilson, at the tender age of 15 ½ (I must put the half because when I told her she was only 15 she always sighed and said “ MOM I am 15 and a half” . LOL). We got pregnant with Courtney when we were very young. We were married when we were 17 and Courtney came along we were barley 18. When I was in labor with Courtney she was a stubborn little baby that refused to let her mother have an easy labor. I was in labor with her 18 hours before the doctors finally found out how stubborn she was and elected for a cesarean section. I remember my first sight of her like it was yesterday. My first words after laying eyes on the pink chub butt was…” Oh my gosh look at all that thick black hair… where did that come from and no wonder why I had all that heart burn”. Courtney was an excellent baby. Hardly ever fussed and was just naturally a happy child. I ended up giving birth to her brother Riley 11 months later so I was busy with 2 infants and really didn’t get to enjoy them individually like I wish I could have. But non-the-less they were both great babies to raise. Courtney was always a trustworthy kid and one of the most compassionate. If she seen kids getting picked on Courtney was instantly drawn to them and felt a need to protect those “beautiful souls”. She talked of adopting children from around the world because it broke her heart when she would see children on TV documentaries that were abandoned and lonely. She truly had the biggest heart. She also loved animals so much and she felt her life calling was to either be a Vet, but then her love of people made her waiver on being a missionary. Courtney has always had a good life as she always had her mom, dad and siblings and we were a very close knit family. Recently we have experienced a lot of tragic events. We just lost our house and everything we owned to a house fire in March 2004. I found out I was pregnant , 3 days before the house fire , after having my tubes cut, tied and seared 11 years ago. Yes, Hallie is our miracle baby!!! We moved back to our home town after the house fire and Courtney got more into friends and less into family, which broke my heart but I understood she was becoming a teen and parents were no longer the “IN” thing. Hallie was born in October and I had a really bad infection from the surgery and without a question Courtney took her baby sister under her wing like she was her mother. She helped me change diapers, rock the baby when she was colicky, feedings and generally giving her love. Courtney loved that baby so much and was falling deeper in love with her more each day. Yes sometimes when I need help with a diaper change or making a bottle Courtney got whiny, but when friends came over Courtney would scoop up Hallie and show her off with pride. The last few years Courtney was very self conscience and some teased her saying she was ugly and that really got her spirits down. She had tons of friends but always felt bad that not everyone liked her. She just wore her heart on her sleeve, as I do, and focused on the negative people’s opinions. I told her constantly how beautiful I thought she was and she said you just say that because you’re my mom. I felt terrible for her. Courtney had 2 boys that she was crazy about, but her father and I were not . It is not the boys per se, but rather they were both 18 yrs old and she was only 15 (oops 15 ½) . Her boyfriend at the time was a great kid and we did allow him to come over and watch TV with us and Courtney talked with him on the phone constantly. The day of the accident Courtney was on her way to school with her sister and her boyfriend (who went to the same school as Courtney) waited till they started walking to school. We only live 6 houses down from the school and he waited till she was almost to school and he picked her up on the side of the road. They skipped school that day and went to an eye doctors appointment. Apparently they were making their way back to school so she could act like she had been at school all day and her boyfriend was stopped to make a left hand turn and there was a log truck trying to make a left hand turn going the opposite way. The trucker wanted the boy to move out of his way so he waved the boy to make his turn so he could turn. The boy attempted to make the turn and a semi trailer coming up beside the stopped truck slammed into the car Courtney and her boyfriend was in. They had to back the truck off of the car and jaws of life Courtney out of the car. Some on lookers who knew Courtney came to the house and told us. The accident was only 1 block away from the school and 2 blocks from our house. It seemed like it took my an hour to get there, but was actually one minute. The paramedic who got to the seen was Courtney’s best friends mom and dad. They are both paramedics. They got Courtney out of the car and to the hospital were they medi flighted her out to Tulsa. When we arrived they said it wasn’t good and they just had to wait and see how bad the head trauma truly was. We stayed up all night and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. The next morning they did test and the brain damage and swelling was to great and they pronounced her brain dead. We then had to make the hardest decision of our lives to take Courtney off life support. They said her body was not functioning at all on it’s own. That the machines and all the meds they were pumping into were the only thing keeping her there. I just knew I had to let Courtney go to be with her savior and that is what we did. We were all circled around her when they pulled everything off and the life drained from her body. I didn’t want to see that, but I could leave to alone to die by herself. When my mom was murder by her boyfriend when I was 11, my family wouldn’t let me see her and I regret that to this day that I didn’t get to say goodbye, so there was no way I was going to miss saying goodbye to her and seeing her out of this world. I don’t care how much it hurt me, Courtney knew we were there for her till the very end. Sorry such a long tribute, but she was worth every word and then some. She is greatly missed and I am counting the days till she welcomes me home and we are reunited. Courtney take about a week before her death. Courtney with her baby sister @ her 8th grade graduation May 2005 Courtney's brother Riley Courtney's younger sister Mackenzie Courtney's baby sister Hallie on Valentines day. The day we buried Courtney
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Post by Chris' Mom on Mar 3, 2006 12:54:45 GMT -5
...I am glad to find this post, this is just my second time on SG and I want to say hello to all and I'll be telling everyone about my beautiful son Chris, who was murdered 11 yrs ago this march21st......It was supposedly a 'drive-by-robbery" type situation. I know that 11 years hasn't brought any closure, or helped the pain....noone was ever caught for Chris' murder and I found him in my back yard driveway after hearing gunshots. He died from a single gunshot to the head. As strange as this sounds....he looked like he was asleep, except of course for his life's force-fluid running down the driveway, into the street, and down the street & down into the water drain in the middle of the street. Chris was a force of good, positive energy, & he lit up every room he walked into. Everyone liked him, he was the school and the neighborhood's peace-keeper. He always stopped fights & made everyone "kiss&makeup" I miss his goodness). Chris was a super cool young man with many interests & I can't stress enough that he had alot of friends, people of all ages and types. he just liked people. He had more friends than even I knew about! There were almost 300 people at his memorial/funeral .....his step-father was in law enforcement at the time and we actually recieved (most likely cruel hoxes) death threats and the funeral procession had to be escorted by several Florida State Troopers. I guess finding my son murdered wasn't enough and some people thought we needed more pain and drama it was a horrific time. I will be telling you more about Chris and the 19 &3/4 years he blessed my life. I would give so much to be awakened in the midle of the night by some girl calling for Chris ;D it's strange the things you miss...I can hear his laugh that was infectious and I see his smile, and I can even remember the feeling I got when he hugged & kissed me goodnight 15 minutes before he died. I long for his affectionate disposition. 11 yrs later it still feels like it happened a few days ago. I went to see a world-renouned pschic here in the Smoky Mountains....he knew nothing of Chris or what happened ....he told me what happened and details that the detective is now interested in the taped session w/ the pschic, I sent him a copy yesterday. One thing struck me so strongly...he told me that Chris was telling him that he (Chris) wasn't completely comfortable "in body" and that he felt good and free where he is. That sounds exactly like something Chris would feel & say......I'll talk and read more afterI getsome sleep (I haven't slept but about 6 hrs in 2 days......I'll check back in later on....peace & love, Chris' Mom, Kassie
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Post by ddpajmw on Mar 17, 2006 14:49:27 GMT -5
Hello~my name is Debra. My son Paul passed away from a hunting accident when he was 17 years old. Today he would be 34 years old, exactly double his age when he died. He left behind a family who loved him dearly. His father Dennis is my high school sweetheart and best friend. Paul's sister Anne was 15, brother Jon was a week from turning 3 and his sister Mary Ann was a year old. Today Anne is married with 2 little girls and lives close by, Jon is going to college and studying electrical and computer engineering, and Mary Ann is in her senior year of high school. She is learning culinary arts at a vocational high school near our home where all our children attended. In the beginning I had no desire to go on although I still had 3 children to care for. Except through the grace of God I don't know how I survived all these years. As time has gone by I rejoice in knowing that the time is closer when I will once again hold Paul in my arms. I am a devoted friend for all you bereaved and at Paul's website I made a memorial if you would like for me to add your child. God Bless & Hugs!! Debra
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Post by auttysmom on May 10, 2006 11:44:29 GMT -5
Since I was a mother hen to Eddy. I guess I could tell you about him. He was born Aug 12,1971. When my mom talks about him, She always uses the term " he was such a good baby". Sandy Blond hair, blues and a smile that could mean many things..LOL... He lead a life that wasn't exactly the one that any of us would've chosen. He was a alcoholic but still drank until recently.smoked weed, and cigarettes, and had a mental illness. I used to think that he drew the short straw when it came to genetics and problems but we all have problems. Eddy had fractured his back somehow and the doctor he was seeing gave me vicodin and a sleeping pill against the advice of Eddy's threapist. March 23, at around 830, two detectives come to my moms door looking for me at first( for some reason I was listed as next of kin) instead they found my mom and told them that my brothers neighbor had found him dead. That neighbor did some lying to the police. Eddy never slept with the door unlock. His keys were where he always put them. THat neighbor knows something that he isn't willing to tell us. He came to my brothers viewing DRUNK and almost tipped over his casket. We won't know exact cause for a few more months according to the M.E since they are back logged. Eddy was the great brother and uncle to his nieces and nephews, it just too bad that the youngest two won't remember him like the five year old and the 13 year old.
Kelly
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Post by blueiris on May 11, 2006 21:28:53 GMT -5
Hi, my name is Ann. I am new here. As I looked over your stories I felt like I needed to write mine. I have always hated the question how many children do you have. It is very hard to answer. I had six babies. Four grew up to be adults and now three are still living. I lost my first baby due to miscarriage. I was five months along and had a very active baby moving inside of me when I caught the Asian flu. I lost my precious baby at home. He was perfectly formed. All that was missing were hair and finger nails. I went into deep shock. My eyes bugged out and my hair began to fall out. I found it hard to get out of bed or to want to continue on. Two years later in 1974 I had another baby boy, James Jason, who is now the father of three little boys (and they are just wonderful). In July 1976, I had a baby girl, Amanda Ann. She is now married, a school teacher and the mother of two equally wonderful little girls. On July 3rd, I had Shannon Marie. We were always so close. I like to attend archeological digs and took Shannon on her first dig when she graduated from grade school as a special gift. Every year after that she went with me. I told her not to make a career from archeology. It is a difficult one...so naturally she got her B.A. in archeology. On May 25th 2004, I was attending a computer class when my cell phone rang. It was Shannon's husband. He said that he had news that would ruin my day. I asked what. He told me that Shannon had been killed in a wreck. I told him that he must be mistaken. He told me that he wished that he was. My teacher drove me to Shannon's apartment. Kevin, her husband, laid on a couch crying. My mind couldn't begin to comprehend the reality of it all. It had to be a mistake. If it wasn't where was Shannon's body. Kevin told me that they had taken her to the Coroner's office. That bothered me. I wanted her to be taken care of. My daughter, Mandy, had a friend that worked for the Sherriff's office she called her to find out what we had to do. It was the next day before they took Shannon to the funeral home. I remember calling my Pastor and him driving me home. I wanted him to help me tell my mother before they showed the wreck on the news. That was terrible. Somehow taking care of Mom helped me to keep going. Still...I saw pictures of the car on TV. Then there was the trip to the funeral home. My son-in-law had set it up that we would have visitation one night and the funeral the next night. We saw Shannon just once for the last time. That picture will never every leave my mind or the question of what she went through. I wondered how I could see her and still live. You see I lost two babies. It never occurred to me that I could lose an adult child. Another thing haunted me. I divorced my husband in 1999. He remarried in 2002. On October 24th, he had a massive heart attack and died. Almost 6 months to the day before Shannon. I can still see her looking at her dad lying in the coffin.
In 1983, I was pregnant again. Right away things went wrong. I had placenta previa. That means that the baby is attached too low in the uterous. As time went along, I made many trips to the hospital with hemorages. My husband was told that if we couldn't get to the hospital quickly after a hemorage I could die. Then in April my condition became so bad that I could not go home any more. On Good Friday I went into labor. It was supposed to be a natural birth, but then I developed an aburpted placenta. The placenta ripped away from the wall of the uterous. My baby, Mary Melissa Kathleeen (Katie) was born at 26 weeks. They did not have a neonatal unit at the hospital so they wrapped Katie in Saran wrap to keep the heat in her body and raced her to a special Children's Hospital. Her lungs were not developed and she died two days later without me ever seeing her. I didn't think I could survive her death either. I always felt like she not only contained part of my body, she had a piece of my soul too. It was very diffucult to get interested in life again. They buried Katie without my ever being able to see her or hold her. I was in bad shape. Six weeks later I was in the hospital again...blood clots. This I was told that I could die. I wondered if the grief would ever go away.
In September 1984 I had my last child a baby girl, Jessica Ruth. The pregnancy was rough, but I had this empty spot in my life. This child was very much wanted. It will be 2 years this month since Shannon died. Part of me believes that she is just out of town and can't call. I move between thinking that I wondering over what Shannon went through the day she died and seeing her laying in that coffin. My life right now reminds me of the series "Kung Fu" with Quay Chang searching from town to town for his father. I feel like that man walking on the road and not having any roots. I know my life will never be the same again. I don't know how to feel I have a place or a way to belong any more. Thanks for listening.
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kathy
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Post by kathy on May 19, 2006 22:57:29 GMT -5
I my name is Kathy and my step-daughter e-mailed me this link, because she felt it may help me during my recent loss. I lost my youngest son, Andrew, ( 27 ) on February 13, 2006. His death was very sudden and unexpected. I had no time for closure or to say my final good-byes!!!!! I continue to have many ( unanswered ) questions however I still try to make sense of all of this. I and Andrew's step-father found him dead. The whole horrible turn of events started on a Monday morning. MY son Andrew has had difficulty for a number of years ( probably as far back as high school ) however resurfaced about 3 years ago. Andrew quit school in 12th grade and finally obtained his GED at 21. He than went on to college ( business/accounting ) , worked full-time , took classes and kept a 4.0 gpa. I was so very proud of him at his college graduation in2002. About 3 years ago Andrew again started to have some difficulty so he turned to drugs. I found a journal where he was writing about suicidal thoughts. At that time he was dual diagnosed with addiction/depression. To make a long story short, Andrew got in trouble with the law and spent January 2005- August 2005 in jail. Since last August , he was making so big and positive straids to get his life back, had a full-time job, his own apartment and new friends. I again was so happy and proud of him. He was the son I loved and new, smiling, respecting me, had his sense of humor back, spending quality time with me, appreciative of all my help and support. We laughed , spent lost time together than that terrible day came. I got a call from his employer that he had not shown up for work. I really was not to concerned at first......until I could reach him , after several hours of phone calls. I was concerned at that time but told myself it would all turn out to be OK. My husband and I went to his apartment later that day, had to break in and found him dead- unfortunately he had turned back to that ugly disease of addiction and this time it would be the LAST TIME!!!!! I miss him so much and would just like to have the chance to tell him ,in person, how much I love him and miss him. I continue to have times when this whole thing seems so unreal, than times when it is so REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have turned this into a positive my having donations in Andrew's name going to a non-profit drug and alcohol program in our community. So far donated monies of $ 2700.00 have been donated , much than I and the program ever anticipated.
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Post by angels on Jun 26, 2006 18:02:50 GMT -5
My name is Marianne, I don't know where to start except to say that April 5, 2006 is the date that a large piece of my heart and life was taken from me, that's the date that my youngest son, Tony, left this world. He was my third child, he has an older sister and brother. Tony was born 5 weeks premature on Feb. 20, 1984, he was a beautiful 5 pound 6 ounces but he wouldn't nurse and had to be sent to the neonatal unit in Magee Hospital in Pittsburgh. He finally came home after 2 weeks. When he was about 9 years old, he wrecked his bicycle and about 6 months later he started having seizures. He was on medication for the next 13 years and his seizures were under control. Tony enjoyed playing his guitar, riding his dirt bike, and working on anything electronic and cars. He was always there to help anyone who needed him. Tony graduated from high school and went to college for two years at Pittsburgh Technical Institute. After graduation, he was hired by AeroTek working on computer boards. Then in March, 2006, he had a very bad seizure which we thought was due to the cold medication that he had taken. One month later, he had another seizure that was so severe that it stopped his heart. His brother found him and tried to get help but it was too late. Tony was such a loving and caring person and had so much to look forward to. Thank you for giving me a place to share my son's life.
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nancy
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Post by nancy on Jul 5, 2006 6:53:31 GMT -5
well here i am 18 months after my sons death,will it ever get better? dosnt seem like it.chris was 27 years old had a set of twins and 2 step kids.it just seems so unreal to me like a bad dream that wont end.theres a silent killer out there called long qt syndrom,or sads sudden adult death syndrom.on feb 16, my son stopped by the house as he did at least 2 a week.came in hugged me and started showing me stuff he had done on the computer,we talked for awhile and he said he had to pick up the twins and go home,i told him i loved him, he said love you to mom.he went home got on his computer awhile, told the kids he was going to lie down, when his wife got home 2 hours later he was gone.a nurse living next store to them tried to revive him but couldnt.paramedics said he had been gone to long, sads causes the heart to have cardiac arithmia it starts beating so fast the brain gets no air, then you pass out and your heart stops.anyway i have never felt such pain, it never goes away. thanks for letting me vent it dose help to know im not alone.
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nancy
New Member
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Post by nancy on Jul 5, 2006 6:55:17 GMT -5
well here i am 18 months after my sons death,will it ever get better? dosnt seem like it.chris was 27 years old had a set of twins and 2 step kids.it just seems so unreal to me like a bad dream that wont end.theres a silent killer out there called long qt syndrom,or sads sudden adult death syndrom.on feb 16, my son stopped by the house as he did at least 2 a week.came in hugged me and started showing me stuff he had done on the computer,we talked for awhile and he said he had to pick up the twins and go home,i told him i loved him, he said love you to mom.he went home got on his computer awhile, told the kids he was going to lie down, when his wife got home 2 hours later he was gone.a nurse living next store to them tried to revive him but couldnt.paramedics said he had been gone to long, sads causes the heart to have cardiac arithmia it starts beating so fast the brain gets no air, then you pass out and your heart stops.anyway i have never felt such pain, it never goes away. thanks for letting me vent it dose help to know im not alone.
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Post by mjeat26 on Jul 5, 2006 17:29:52 GMT -5
Hello. I would like to remember my son, Matthew here.
He died 5 1/2 years ago at age 26 on February 12, 2001.
We loved him. He was bright, funny, kind and generous. He loved the outdoors and any activity that involved speed and balance. His homes were in Idaho and Alaska. His primary work was as an auto mechanic, but he was a general "Mr. Fixit."
Matthew was tall and thin. He wore his hair long and straight, often in a ponytail. His eyes would crinkle closed when he laughed, and he laughed deeply. As our oldest son, he took responsibility for his sisters and younger brother at times. Since Matt left home while the other kids were still in school, he became the magnet that brought us together: we would be busy with our individual lives, but when Matt came home we all got together as a family.
I remember a chubby baby who taught me to be a mom. I remember the focus of my day when he was tiny was to make him smile, and I would count each one and report it to dad at the end of the day. The best smiles where while he was nursing and he would smile so big he would lose his grip on my breast. As a little boy he got on the move as soon as possible. First it was his rocking horse, (which he rode like a motorcycle, bouncing up and down while wearing an open metal lunch box on his head for a helmet), then bicycles, motorcycles, skis, canoes, wakeboards and snowboards. He had a thing about VWs and Harleys.
I went back to school when Matt was in high school, and after I put the little kids to bed, he was allowed to stay up, but I needed to study. Later, on his way to bed he would come in to see me and we'd talk and he'd tell me funny stories. I can't remember any of them but I remember we'd laugh until we were in tears.
I remember him becoming bigger than me. I so miss his hugs that entirely enveloped me.
Matt lived in Alaska for 5 years after high school, then came home to attend college. On Dec. 25, 2000 he went back to Alaska for a while. He stayed in a remote, primitive cabin and only came down intermittently. On February 11, 2001 he called me and we talked. He ended the conversation with "I love you," and I responded "You too." Then he said, "Really, Mom, I love you!"
Ah!
Then next day he and a friend were traveling into town for a dentist appt, then to go snowboarding. It was very snowy. With a combination of bad conditions, bad visibility and maybe bad judgment, the Subaru Matt was in collided with the back end of a backhoe being used to clear a driveway. Matt was sleeping in the back seat, and died instantly of a head injury. . . He woke up in heaven. Of all the high risk activities that so captivated Matt, and all the things he did, he was just a sleeping passenger in a car in the middle of the day.
One thing that puzzles me even today is that there were 5 hours when he was gone and I didn't even know. I thought for the longest time that I should FEEL that he was gone and I never did, or have. It is not that I don't know he is gone, or miss him or grieve for him, but I just feel that he is alive.
For the longest time this really troubled me. I even wondered if maybe it was all a mistake. Finally I have accepted this as his spirit that is still with us. My memories of him are richer and more detailed than those of the other kids, because memories are all I have.
Another thing that troubled me was the empty place in prayer where I pray for each of my children. . . it felt so wrong to not pray for him. I have slowly come to fill that space up with prayers of thanks for the time we had with Matthew.
We are learning to talk more about Matthew in easy conversation. Moose and dragonflies are special reminders of him. This week I saw a moose out on the road just 4 miles from our house, and on the 4th, which was always a BIG holiday for our family, a big dragonfly hovered over us while we were out on the lake.
I cannot begin to know how anyone would get through this without faith. I am sustained by the knowledge that I will see Matthew again and forever. I have such a clear picture of him in heaven, walking up behind his grandpa. In it Grandpa sits at a card table with his 2 brothers who have also died, and Grandpa's back is to Matt. He walks up and gestures to the other 2 men to keep quiet, then Matt walks up, grinning, and sits down to ask if they need a 4th player. Grandpa is surprised but glad to see Matt, and they just go on with their card game.
Thank you for this opportunity to share my boy, my baby, my love, my Matthew.
Matthew James English 8-8-1974 to 2-12-2001
Cory
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Post by treysmom on Aug 8, 2006 11:34:01 GMT -5
My name is Sheila, and I was, am, and always will be Trey's mom.
Trey was born on April 22, 1988, and I lost him on Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 5:45 P.M. (Funny how those details are so important to me.) Trey was one of the good ones. He was a high school senior getting ready to graduate and had been accepted to the Nashville Auto Diesel College. Trey always had a smile on his face, never held a grudge, wanted to help everyone he could, and ALWAYS told his mom how much he loved her. He was a star on the school baseball team, a member of the JROTC, a member of the volunteer fire department, and active in the youth group at church. Everybody loved him.
Trey was on his way home from baseball practice on that Thursday afternoon. He caught a ride with a teammate because his truck was out of commission AGAIN, and I had refused to get it fixed for him again. (Another one of those what-if's!) The 15-year-old kid was driving recklessly, speeding and passing on double yellow lines. He lost control and the car skidded around and into a truck that had seen what was happening and had pulled off the side of the highway. The impact was squarely where Trey was sitting in the passenger seat. Trey was wearing a seatbelt; the driver was not. Trey was killed instantly; the driver had a broken jaw. He walked away; Trey did not.
My husband was on his way home from work when he saw the lights at the accident scene. He usually never stops to see what is happening, but that particular night, for some unknown reason, he decided to stop. As he walked up to the scene, he heard someone mention Trey's name. My husband was looking for Trey because Trey usually worked the traffic during accidents. When my husband asked who they were looking for, they turned around and said they were looking for him, that Trey was in the car, and that he was dead. My husband had to ID my son, and then he had to come to my office and tell me that my son was dead. That whole night was so surreal. I can still see everything and feel every emotion I felt that night.
I remember Trey's two older brothers and dad getting to my house and me thinking that as their mother I needed to be there for them, but all I felt was numbness. The funeral and memorial service passed in a blur. There were so many people that came to the funeral home that they tell me the line stretched all the way out the door and halfway down the drive. Students from the school chartered buses to bring them. The chapel was so full that people had to stand outside. At the memorial service on Sunday, they brought out chairs which was unbelievable. It meant to much to me that Trey had touched that many lives.
We wanted something good to come from Trey's life so we set up a scholarship for a high school senior and an educational trust for the grandkids. Trey would get a kick out of knowing that he was responsible for making sure his niece and nephew get a college education.
It's been six months now since I lost Trey. They say that life goes on, and some days I believe that, but there are other days that I think that I just can't go on because the pain is so real. The ads on TV these days show kids getting ready for college. It's just another reminder of what I don't have anymore. There are days that I feel like I'm still in that fog - and I feel like everyone else has gone on with their lives - and that I'm the only one who misses my son anymore.
I am so glad that I found this website. It is a relief to be able to see that others know what I'm feeling and that I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.
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Post by 3angelslookoverme on Aug 11, 2006 23:53:49 GMT -5
Hi Everyone, I am new here and found your site late last night as i was having a really hard night.I first of all,want to say i am so sorry for all of the losses here.Each and everyone of you have very beautiful and precious children.I am here because i have 4 children 2 living and 2 that have recieved their angel wings.I also have a precious 13 year old nephew that has his angel wings as well.Unfortunately,he obtained his the very same day my oldest child received his.They are together.....It all started June 18,1991 when i lost my second born child to a stillborn birth,,,,he is and always will be in my heart forever,,,,,,Then father's day June 19,2005 i lost my oldest child Britton "britt" and my nephew Nick at a city park that is basically in my backyard.The boys decided on that day to take their younger brothers to this park to go do boy things,such as bmx bikes,be goofy,have fun all together and bring their fishing poles as there is 3 small ponds at this city park that the community likes to use,If i would have only known just how dangerous this park actually was before the fact,i truely believe the boys would still be here today.I know things happen for a reason but these are two boys that were very level headed and very educated on the dangers of waters.But being the teen boys they were they were just looking for innocent fun.It was a weird weather day here that day,very humid but overcast,they decided they were going to swim which was not like them at all,as the water at this park has always been known to be pretty nasty but they went to the smallest pond at the park and the cleanest to just cool off.That is where their precious lives were taken from them in an instant.From what their younger brothers say they had just got in and gotten to the middle,they started immediately yelling for help,the two younger boys ran to get a nearby adult for help when they got back the boys were gone.This harmless water swallowed their lives in just one instant.The brave man jumped in to look for them,he could not find them anywhere,all the while the younger boys by the way,9 and 10 years old at the time were on the phone with 911,unbeknowns to me their was NO emergency access into this city park!!!! my son and nephew never had a chance for survival.they never had the oppurtunity to have cpr,it wasn't until and hour and a half later that they finally found a way in to get to the boys with the help of an overhead helicopter.When they finally did get in we were immedialtely told they were not going to be looking for survivors they would look for their bodies.After a horrible rain,thunder,and lightening storm and 9 hours of sitting on the shore in hopes this was all just a horrible nightmare they found my lifeless 13 year old nephew Nick,Just 6 feet away from him they found my 15 year old precious son Britt,my life changed at that very moment,my whole families lives have changed.we have lost 2 beautiful boys to a city park that was left to take lives.After the fact,we have found out that 4 boys have drowned in this same exact pond in 11 years and through the years their has been as many as 17 to 22 people that have parished there??i know you are asking yourself why would a city leave such an attractive nuisance ,an issue in which after the first child should have been takn care of!!!Well,we have gone before our city and have asked just that,My family and many many concerned community members have formed a group that has made awareness to this problem,we have also gone before our city councilors and begged and pleaded to get them to make this a safe "PARK" in our community.They as of today have agreed that something definitely needs to be done and have approved a $650,000 fund to do an implementation on this park and to build an emergency access bridge in this park so god forbid,anything ever happens like this again,they will be able to reach the person or persons in need,The city has admitted they have failed our community in this respect which is wonderful but,it still does not bring back my son and my nephew.I know i sound as if i am putting blame,that i am not doing in certain respects,but i do feel if they would have done something alot sooner then now,many children would have not died there including my son and nephew.I am guilty as a mother for letting my children go there,but i also know 90% of the surrounding community let their children play there as well.It is just not a place that you would think is so dangerous,Until this has happened with our boys this community has been so unaware just how dangerous it really is,,,I have to live with being so naive ,so if i can save one childs life in making my community aware just how this tears a family completely apart ,all of the hard work is far worth it.Since the boys's accident,their has been an outpour of concerned citizens,compassionate business owners,and most amazingly volunteers that have poured hours and hours of labor of love,sweat and tears at this park to make a safer place for our community.we are far beyond done,but we have made a tremendous start,we have as i said,gotten the city council involved and they are working with us,to make it right as it has been so wrong for so many years,we have had volunteers from home depot come out and donate time,effort ,and materials to help build a running trail and a sign kiosk so there will be more eyes there so if something does ever happen again,More people will be there to help,we have had my daughters entire 8th grade class last year out there building the running trail with home depot as well,many many volunteers such as firefighters,car dealerships,concerned citizens,schools etc participating in fundraisers,swimming safety in schools, and numerous other activities,to make people aware of what this park has been to so many grieving families.The awful part of it is ,until my son and nephew parished there,it was pretty much silent on all of the other accidents that have happened at this park.I can not imagine just sitting back and not doing one thing,knowing this place is as dangerous as it is,it just breaks my heart that it is my family that has to go through this.I may sound a bit harsh when i say this is just something that never happens to you,until it does and your eyes are forced to become wide open.I try to think back and remember seeing the other childrens stories and honestly,i just can't.I guess it seems as if it doesn't hit home until it is "your" home.I have an extreme problem with just not understanding what exactly did happen that day? These two were exellent swimmers,very educated on water safety,But they were also,teenage boys that got an idea in their heads and nothing was going to stop them from getting in that water,,,,I don't know how many times i have told my boys don't get in the pond over there,,,,they would just laugh and say mom we would never get in that nasty water or even go around it,,,it's gross...I just wish so many times it would have been nasty and gross on that father's day......but,,,,,my son and nephew did not die in vein something good is coming out of this horrible tragedy,,,,,,something my community needed for many years,,,a neglected city park being turned into an actual city park...I am sorry this is so long and i didn't really get to tell you just how witty,smart,funny,comical both of these boys were but i am sure i will be spending alot of time here from now on...i am looking forward to getting to know all of you,,,,take care and i wish peace and prosperity to you all in these difficult times. Sincerely, Threeangelslookoverme
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Post by nursegingin on Feb 6, 2007 8:03:44 GMT -5
I can't just yet...it hurts too much. But I thank each of you for sharing. I am NOT alone. My Brandon was killed in an accident January 10th 2007...not even a month ago... I have so many regrets......I don't know if I will make it or if I even want to.
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Post by missingjason on Feb 6, 2007 19:23:29 GMT -5
I can't just yet...it hurts too much. But I thank each of you for sharing. I am NOT alone. My Brandon was killed in an accident January 10th 2007...not even a month ago... I have so many regrets......I don't know if I will make it or if I even want to. I understand. Please take care of yourself. Its so very hard and he was your only son from what I remember. No your not alone, unfortunately there are many of us. (((((Hugs)))))
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Post by reamomofemile on Feb 13, 2007 13:21:18 GMT -5
It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel was everywhere. The place where my son was laying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. Nobody could help me. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For weeks I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent? I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile’s isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. Nobody understands this h*ll and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. “You still have another child, he’s not suffering any more, you must be strong, his soul will never find rest, you must get over it, I know how you feel, you must pull yourself together, don’t talk about it any more then you will forget!!!” When I hear those words I want to scream at them: “You don’t know what you’re talking about, I can’t pull myself together. My son is dead and I don’t know why!” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose. I went to my dr who put me on sleep therapy for 3 days and started me on effexor for the depression and constant anxiety. I also went for trauma counseling as well as grief counseling. Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
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