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Dec 9, 2009, 1:07am

Message Board :: Prayers & Needs :: Share With Us :: Me

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Topic: Me (Read 93 times)

dessy
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Joined: Oct 2009
Gender: Female

Posts: 9
Location: San Diego

Me
« Thread Started on Oct 15, 2009, 2:52pm »

I have read some incredibly sad stories here and cannot pull myself to respond. I am heartbroken for you all as much as I am for myself.

I was in an accident with my bicycle when I was about 7 years old. My periods were always irregular and I started seeing a doctor when I was about 15 years old. I was told from the very start that my chances of conceiving were almost nothing...and this haunted me.

All I ever wanted from the time I can remember was to be a mommy. I have an amazing mother and I want to share her gifts with a child, her strengths..she did such a great job that I have always wanted to be just like her.

Knowing that my chances to conceive were low did not stop me from using protection, but I found out in April that I miscarried my first pregnancy at 8 weeks. It was just completely earth shattering. I didn't know I could become pregnant so quickly after a miscarriage, but I miscarried again in June at 8 weeks.

The pain was intense and I ended up with post-partum depression and have been seeing so many doctors since.

Now I'm not sure if I'm happy to say that I am currently pregnant. I don't want to say how far along I am for fear of jinxing it... and miscarrying my little one.

My first pregnancy really was a beacon of hope, and I wrote a song to that unborn miracle. I would not mind posting the lyrics if anyone would be interested to read them.

I am on top of this pregnancy... doctors and vitamins and excersize and no this and all that. I am not sure I could handle another loss.

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2009 - unnamed little angel babies
April 17, June 13, October 17

And my beloved angels I didn't carry
Austin Danielle - beloved best friend (2008)
Frances - wonderful grandmother (2002)
Joshua Allen - innocent first love (2001)
Catherine "Pat" - doting auntie (2009)

kacik
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Joined: Feb 2006
Gender: Female

Posts: 1,372
Location: Ontario, Canada

Re: Me
« Reply #1 on Oct 15, 2009, 4:55pm »

So sorry to hear about your losses. I would love to see the lyrics if you are willing to share.

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DH Aug 30/03
m/c #1 Jan/04 7 1/2 wks
m/c #2 June/04 7 1/2 wks
m/c #3 Nov/04 7 1/2 wks
Diagnosed with a balanced translocation of chromosomes.
m/c #4 Sept/05 7 1/2 wks
m/c #5 Feb/06 8 wks
m/c #6 May/08 5 1/2 wks
m/c #7 Nov/08 7 1/2 wks
m/c #8 Feb/09 7 1/2 wks
IVF Protocol started July 2009
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dessy
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Joined: Oct 2009
Gender: Female

Posts: 9
Location: San Diego

Re: Me
« Reply #2 on Oct 16, 2009, 2:41am »

Well I wanted just to sing you a lullaby
But I guess this is goodbye baby yeah
Well I don't get it but your daddy told me,
"Well these things they happen for a
Reason that we just don't get now."
But I never would have made that sacrifice

I wanted to know you
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to show you
But now I just wanna know your name
I just wanna know your name
To know what I can scream out
In the darkness
When it all comes crashing down
Around my face and would you even ever have known?

I will try to be someone that
You would be proud to call your own
You will remain my beacon of hope
I will try to learn from a lesson
That's hidden beneath that you will never be

I wanted to know you
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to show you
But now I just wanna know your name
I just wanna know your name
To know what I can scream out
In the darkness
When it all comes crashing down
Around my face and would you even ever have known?

Well I don't get it but
Your daddy said and
He is wise beyond his years
And I willl love him
And I will hold him
And I will show him

But I still wanna know your name
I want to know your name so
I will know what I should scream into the darkness when I come
Looking for you
Where will you be?
And will you come back or
Will someone else take your place in my heart?

He will try to channel our strengths
Just to keep me from
Going alone into the darkness
After you

Well I wanted just to sing you a lullaby
But I guess this is goodbye
Baby
I don't know how to say goodbye
My little one
Goodbye, baby

Goodbye

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dessy
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Joined: Oct 2009
Gender: Female

Posts: 9
Location: San Diego

Re: Me
« Reply #3 on Oct 16, 2009, 2:42am »

While the song makes me sad, it still reminds me that there is hope and love. I'm not religious so I really don't have any kind of faith to fall back on in times like these, but V does, and I am thankful for HIS strength that he finds within it.

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