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Feb 9, 2010, 2:58pm

Message Board :: Miscarriage & Stillbirth :: I Had A Stillbirth :: Advice for Loved Ones

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Topic: Advice for Loved Ones (Read 270 times)

Miss Charlotte
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Advice for Loved Ones
« Thread Started on Apr 7, 2007, 2:52am »

Girls,
As I was cleaning up today I started to think about all of the outrageous things people have said or done since my loss. I started to mentally compile a list of "Don'ts" I wish I could have passed along. ::)

***I apologize in advance if my sarcastic points offend anyone. I tend to use my smart alec sense of humor to make me smile. I'll take what I can get these days....

Here are a few points:

*Don't "stop by" unannounced. Give a call at least 15 minutes in advance so the Newly Bereaved Mother (NBM) has an opportunity to eat some toothpaste and pick up the shredded condolence cards off the floor.

*Don't ask a NBM how she's doing unless you really want to know the answer.

*When speaking with a NBM, do not be afraid to use the baby's name whenever possible. The NBM will appreciate your thoughtfulness. However, refrain from using a nickname unless it had been approved prior to the loss. Only the parents can truly know the personality of the baby to give him/her a proper nickname.

*When cleaning the house of a NBM, DO NOT use strongly scented detergents/cleaners. Although she will appreciate the gesture, her olfactory senses are still running high. Instead, after thoroughly cleaning, open the house up to the breeze. The fresh air will become a precious commodity in the hard days to come.

*When trying to empathize with a NBM, don't say "I know just how you feel" unless you truly do. Compairing the loss of your cat Fluffy is really no compairison.

*If the NBM has the responsibility of preparing dinner for other people in the house, realize that cereal is just fine. So are any other foods that are not typically served for dinner. A few nights of Cheetos or Tater-tots won't hurt anybody.

*Do not ask a NBM to babysit your infant within 6 months of her loss. It doesn't matter how 'close' you are with her...Simply stated: totally uncool. 8-)

*Don't take offense to your NBM forgetting any standing appointments she may have had with you or anyone else. Likewise, expect sudden emotional outbursts or breakdowns while in an elevator or any other seemingly neutral place.

*Don't tell the NBM that her baby is in a better place. No matter how religious she may be, there is no better place than her arms or at her breast for her baby to be.

*Don't overload the NBM with details of your sadness over the loss of the baby. The last thing she needs to be doing is consoling someone else.

*When visiting the home of a NBM, make sure you tread lightly and take your shoes off upon entering. There are bound to be "eggshells" everywhere.

Although it is common for people to slowly stop observing these suggestions after a period of a couple of months following the loss, not following them may have an effect that will last a lifetime.

Hope these made some of you grin for at least a minute...

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julianasmommy
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Joshua Michael

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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #1 on Apr 7, 2007, 9:19am »

You made me grin...if only people would watch what they say or do. Urgh sometimes they dont know how their comments or actions affect us. It is nice to know that at least my friends at SG understand!

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willsmommy
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #2 on Apr 7, 2007, 9:31am »

They are all so true.

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Shannon

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sarafl
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #3 on Apr 7, 2007, 10:28am »

I hear ya'...I can relate to all that you have said.
It is so true that you need a sense of humor to get through the toughest times...I am glad that you do so.
Blessings,
Sara

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Sara
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Trevon&Nevaeh'smommy
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #4 on Apr 7, 2007, 9:00pm »

OMG....you nailed it girl

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crystal
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chantel
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #5 on Apr 7, 2007, 9:43pm »

I love the one about not telling her how sad the loss made you...I kept hearing ater MY loss how hard it was on everyone else. Um, not as hard as the person who gave birth to the baby who was already gone.

Geesh!!!

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~Chantel
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butterflykisses
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #6 on Apr 7, 2007, 9:55pm »

You made me grin. I thought about passing this on to a bunch of family members lol

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melissarae
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #7 on Apr 8, 2007, 5:48pm »

Grin? I laughed out loud!! Some people were actually wonderful immediately following my loss, but others were just awful! I have a picture of my dd holding her newborn cousin, taken 1 year prior, my best friend says to me... Who is that in that picture? I told her, and she goes.. Good! I was hoping you wouldn't have had DD holding Bryson displayed like that. If I were in a different mood, I would have yelled at her! I am allowed to do what I please to remember my baby!!

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ccathy13
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #8 on Apr 8, 2007, 6:08pm »

Sad...but true! You made me laugh for sure!! I think you should write a book!

Cathy

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Miss Charlotte
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #9 on Sept 4, 2007, 12:48am »

(((BUMP)))
I needed to grin tonight.

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DD#2 Charlotte Nicole sb@ 37 weeks 12/07/06
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jaideety
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Re: Advice for Loved Ones
« Reply #10 on Sept 4, 2007, 1:06am »

That is great!!! People can be just down right foolish! About two weeks after I lost Braelen my friend took me to get my nails done and we started talking to these ladies in the shop they worked at the hospital they were asking if we thought they could get away with wearing the fake fingernails because they worked with the newborns and my friend just blurted out yea she just had a baby two weeks ago but he was stillborn! Like it was nothing! I couldnt believe what had came out of her mouth. Sometimes ya just wanna slap em!

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