Post by lauren&k&p&a&j&b's mom on May 17, 2011 9:06:35 GMT -5
We constantly have many new members joining—a fact that is happy (since they’ve found us) but also sad (that they had to). The almost universally first-asked question seems to be: how do I cope??
Here are some of my own suggestions, and I hope other “experienced” Silent Grievers will feel free to add to the list.
First, the Don’ts…
--DON’T allow anyone to make you feel like your grief is inappropriate or unnatural. If they haven’t been there, they have no idea what it’s like.
--DON’T push yourself to do more than you’re ready for sooner than you’re ready for it. Yes, we all have busy lives and responsibilities, and there are many days that we’ll have to put on that brave face and push through, but it’s equally important to make time for crying. Those tears need to come out; there’s no way around it.
--Related to that, DON’T feel guilty for skipping baby showers; they are just too difficult for many of us. People will understand or they won’t, but the number one person to worry about taking care of right now is YOU.
--DON’T spend time on Facebook! Logging on to that site is just asking for trouble. You know how when you buy a new car, and suddenly that same make & model seems to pop up everywhere? It’s the same way after a loss, except instead of cars it’s ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements. You are NOT obligated to make a daily FB appearance; friends who need to get in touch with you can find another way that isn’t such torture.
And now the Do’s…
--DO spend time on this site talking to others who have been there, and join a local support group also if you can find one. I cannot emphasize how much this helps makes things easier to bear. Just relating with someone who understands can lift the burden at least a little even at your lowest moments.
--DO expect friendships to change. People who haven’t lost a child don’t tend to be patient with our grief, and many will make thoughtless comments that result in our feeling even worse. Most of them mean well, but they have no idea what to say, and the stuff they do come out with can many times feel very diminishing. Others will acknowledge your loss once (or even not at all) and then forevermore act like it never happened; that behavior can cause you to question your own sanity! Stick close with people who let you do the talking rather than spending time with those who upset you more.
--DO take the time to express your feelings. Some very healing ideas and activities include naming your baby, gathering items collected during your pregnancy and making a scrapbook and/or memory box, writing (feel free to share as much of that on this site as you wish), reading (there are tons of books such as “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart” that can help validate your feelings and make you feel less alone), planting a tree or garden in honor of your baby, or choosing and wearing remembrance jewelry (there are many options out there that can incorporate footprints, birthstones, name engraving, forget-me-nots, etc).
--Unless your doctor tells you not to, DO force yourself to get some exercise. It’s probably the last thing you feel like doing right now, but even a short walk can do wonders for the psyche. If it’s too tough running into neighbors with strollers, try someplace kids are less likely to be, such as a gym or (if your city has them) walking trails. Or swim! No one sees or questions your tears when you’re under water.
--Please DO add to this list if there’s something I’ve left out that helped you.
Here are some of my own suggestions, and I hope other “experienced” Silent Grievers will feel free to add to the list.
First, the Don’ts…
--DON’T allow anyone to make you feel like your grief is inappropriate or unnatural. If they haven’t been there, they have no idea what it’s like.
--DON’T push yourself to do more than you’re ready for sooner than you’re ready for it. Yes, we all have busy lives and responsibilities, and there are many days that we’ll have to put on that brave face and push through, but it’s equally important to make time for crying. Those tears need to come out; there’s no way around it.
--Related to that, DON’T feel guilty for skipping baby showers; they are just too difficult for many of us. People will understand or they won’t, but the number one person to worry about taking care of right now is YOU.
--DON’T spend time on Facebook! Logging on to that site is just asking for trouble. You know how when you buy a new car, and suddenly that same make & model seems to pop up everywhere? It’s the same way after a loss, except instead of cars it’s ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements. You are NOT obligated to make a daily FB appearance; friends who need to get in touch with you can find another way that isn’t such torture.
And now the Do’s…
--DO spend time on this site talking to others who have been there, and join a local support group also if you can find one. I cannot emphasize how much this helps makes things easier to bear. Just relating with someone who understands can lift the burden at least a little even at your lowest moments.
--DO expect friendships to change. People who haven’t lost a child don’t tend to be patient with our grief, and many will make thoughtless comments that result in our feeling even worse. Most of them mean well, but they have no idea what to say, and the stuff they do come out with can many times feel very diminishing. Others will acknowledge your loss once (or even not at all) and then forevermore act like it never happened; that behavior can cause you to question your own sanity! Stick close with people who let you do the talking rather than spending time with those who upset you more.
--DO take the time to express your feelings. Some very healing ideas and activities include naming your baby, gathering items collected during your pregnancy and making a scrapbook and/or memory box, writing (feel free to share as much of that on this site as you wish), reading (there are tons of books such as “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart” that can help validate your feelings and make you feel less alone), planting a tree or garden in honor of your baby, or choosing and wearing remembrance jewelry (there are many options out there that can incorporate footprints, birthstones, name engraving, forget-me-nots, etc).
--Unless your doctor tells you not to, DO force yourself to get some exercise. It’s probably the last thing you feel like doing right now, but even a short walk can do wonders for the psyche. If it’s too tough running into neighbors with strollers, try someplace kids are less likely to be, such as a gym or (if your city has them) walking trails. Or swim! No one sees or questions your tears when you’re under water.
--Please DO add to this list if there’s something I’ve left out that helped you.